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A Year In Transition by Deb Ross

500 plus days have passed when I said goodbye to New York City and hello to my country suburban life. And I am here to tell you I am okay. Infact, I am more than okay.

Yes, I drive more and walk less. And the playgrounds are less crowded so I don’t have to play “spot my child” in the midst of hundreds of others. When it’s hot outside, instead of sweating through my clothes to find the nearest playground with a water feature, I visit a friend’s swimming pool, or head to our community lake.

I guess what I am saying is that life is easier. And as someone who thrives in the struggle- this is a revelation. Somehow, almost living two decades in the city was my badge of honor. I survived my twenties, got my masters, fell in love, got married and had two babies. I was a city mom for five years before we left for greener pastures. Somewhere along this wild and crazy journey I had to ask, what I am struggling for? Am I done believing that to be great and meaningful it had to be hard? The answer now, a year away from the city grind is No. It does not need be hard to be meaningful.  

My family as a collective whole is much happier out of the city. When my oldest daughter asked why we left the city again recently, I asked her what she thought, and she said “trees?” And my response was, “Yep, that’s pretty spot on. Trees.” Trees, meaning room to breathe, space to move, greenery to bathe in and nature to listen to.

But let’s back up a few months. Six months after leaving the city whenever anyone would ask me, “So, are you happy?” I would answer with, “I am not, not happy.” People didn’t really know what to do with that answer. But it was the truth. I was not unhappy, but I was also not blissfully in love.

I was taking my time to feel myself in this new place. And if you know me personally you know I am going to answer you as honestly and authentically as possible. This “not, not happy” left me feeling weird. So I did what any “normal” New Yorker would do, I went and had a session with my therapist. I wanted to explore my answer. Should I be worried? Should my answer be different? Am I numb and detached? She of course said to me that I was exactly where I should be and with an exhale of relief I went along in my “not, not happy” existence. And then somewhere towards my year anniversary, I realized, perhaps I did not want to admit my happiness because somehow this meant I was losing my city-self. Like somehow I was losing a huge part of my identity.

I am not sure I have fully made peace with this realization and so I have just allowed for the observation. An observation: since our move I’ve found a real community. But that feeling came at the expense of anonymity-something I loved about the city. I loved that after dropping my daughter at preschool in the city, I was no one and everyone. I could go to a workout class and be in a mix of ages, genders and races and no one knew anything unless we talked about it. I found that liberating versus being just seen as a mom, or a working mom, or whatever label you want to put in front of “mom”. With that said, having a community is nourishing. There is a network of people and families that truly have your back, whatever you may need.

Because I work in the city a few times a week, I still get my weekly city fix. I can get a whiff of my anonymity. I can get the buzz from the pace of city life, as well as a much needed shoulder swipe or hip check from a stranger walking by, reminding me to stay awake.

I will say, winter in the country is not for the weak. City snow storms are like sweet, romantic movies. Somehow everything is still open, food delivery easy, fitness classes packed, and walking the streets is like being inside a magical snow globe that says “I love New York” over your head.

In the country there were so many snow days that they took days away from our spring break. And during one storm, we lost power for 6 days. Thankfully we had a partial generator that allowed us to stay in the house. We had the basics — heat, water, a fridge, a working stove, a few lights in the kitchen and a place to charge phones and ipads. But we had to use lanterns to go to the bathroom and bed. Both girls had the flu during this time. We were told this was the worst winter in 40 years in our town. Somehow that statistic didn’t make me feel any better, I was certainly being initiated into the realities of living outside of urban life.

Life is always in movement. Always in transition. This year just happened to have a lot more transition and change than others. We moved out of the city, I entered a new decade, I learned how to drive again, became a part-time commuter, my oldest started elementary school, I found a new community and network of friends, while working hard to maintain my city self. My husband and I made it a year of ‘yes’.  Yes to date nights, meeting new people and Sunday dinners with families we wanted to get to know. Yes to just going with whatever came our way. And I am really proud of us. We came out of this year stronger, more connected and more in love. And I learned a lot about myself. That’s the thing about really challenging stuff: its not always pretty but you end up with a lot more faith in the natural flow of your life. And that’s a pretty amazing place to reach.

Deb Ross is a licensed acupuncturist and board certified herbalist in NYC. She has been involved with, studying and practicing Chinese Medicine for over a decade.  She holds a Master’s of Science degree in Traditional Chinese Medicine from Touro College, focusing on Acupuncture, Chinese herbs and Tui Na. 

Raising my girls in the age of #metoo

A man’s hand hovers over my 2-year old daughter’s thigh as he whispers ‘She’s pretty. Can I touch her?’

I discover that a male teacher is taking my 3-year old to the the bathroom on her potty breaks at school.

Rushing along a crowded subway platform, a man’s whisper in my ear ‘you know you want to go black…bitch’.  My daughter’s little hand clutched in mine, I don’t respond…just keep going. Get away.

#metoo

#thefutureisfemale

#timesup

Our social conversation is changing. Layers peeled back, horrors, courage, grit and resilience are being revealed.

Those young eyes are watching. Those hearts are feeling your feelings – internalizing your fear and your courage.  

The majority of the time, when someone (male or female) meets my daughters, their first response is a comment on their beauty, usually punctuated by some royal reference – ‘princess’ being the favorite.

It amazes me and yet I feel the familiar silence holding my response in. This is the way society is. They’ll have to get used to this and I will teach them how to navigate it, how to value themselves in the face of sexism, marginalization and misogyny. Their father doesn’t call them princess. We’re ok. We’ll just teach them something different at home.  

I instinctively swing the other way and never tell them they are pretty.  I compliment their style and self-expression.  I ask my older daughter if she’s happy in what she’s wearing and if she feels great in her body and clothes. ‘Awesome. Great outfit.’  

But then the hypocrisy…she watches me struggle to pick out an outfit that I feel pretty in. She watches my critical gaze scan my reflection in the mirror as my milk-filled breasts push buttons to their limit. My exasperated exhale as I mumble to myself, unbuttoning the too-small blouse and grab a t-shirt, burrow into her mind.  

She sees my down-trodden expression as I pull clumps of hair out of my hair brush and whisper, ‘I can’t do my hair.  It’s all falling out.’  She feels my critical edges and minor panic as I rush to fold laundry, pick up toys, answer emails and pack her nutritious lunch.   

She sees that my words of empowerment to her are not the words I live by. What I live by is the inheritance of a script about my self-worth inextricably linked to my looks and size. My words to myself of mostly critical and measure myself to an impossible standard of crushing perfectionism.  

And so I pause. I breath. I take a long look at myself… And what I notice is hypocrisy.  It’s a special brand of hypocrisy – one that stems from pure love. The maternal love that moves heaven and earth to hand down a reality to my daughters that is free from the suffering of internalized misogyny.  

How do you raise your daughter in the midst of so much change and contradiction?  Where the unthinkable is front and center?  Where women are building each other up more than ever before?  Where her opportunities are so bright but history so dark and precarious?

Love yourself.  I know it sounds trite.  Those are two words that have little tactile, real meaning to you.  

Do it anyway.  Forget the excuses and just begin by repeating the words ‘I love you’ to yourself.  Start. Don’t examine. Just love.    

You have an opportunity to heal the stories that would tell you that you are worthless unless beautiful and silent.  To heal the expectation that you must shuffle past the catcalls, not meeting their eyes.  That you must remain silent if you are going to stay safe and make it.  To heal the story that this is what you deserve.  To heal the story that it’s your fault. 

In healing your stories, your words to your daughters will imprint the truth of justice, equality and freedom that is each and every person’s inherent nature.  You will give your daughters a life path that is un-muddied by conditional love.  Her inherent self-confidence will be nurtured because she witnesses you healing your self-confidence.  

I love being attractive.  I love feeling and looking pretty.  I also love being strong.  I love getting muddy and bruised hiking out in nature.  I love sweating hard and doing handstands.  I love the tender, feminine side of myself…the housekeeper and organizer…I love my entrepreneur and sharp business minded self.  I love my compassion and feminist revolutionary.  

I love my hypocrisy because it is the essence of where I aspire to go against the damaged material and tattered stories of humanity that I have inherited.  

Time is indeed up. Those little eyes are watching. What she will draw upon is not the absence of challenge, but how you navigate your challenges. Your internal dialogue, how you act and how you champion truth and justice in your own life will mold her courage and grit.  

She will face challenges. She will face heartbreak. She will have her material to contend with.  

Yours is not a journey of imparting perfection. Impart the imperfection and then do the work to continue to reveal your truest self in the world. That is what she will remember. That is what she will feel and draw upon in her hardest moments. That will give her roots to stand on and grow farther than your wildest dreams…the dreams of a world where, I too dare to hope, that no girl will ever again have to say #metoo.

 

Rachel Anne Welch is the founder of Revolution Motherhood, a fitness method tailored to heal and strengthen postpartum bodies. Her signature program, Foundations, integrates pilates, bootcamp, barre and soft foam rolling, and stems from the ultimate experiment of rehabilitating her own postpartum body.  You can experience Rachel’s transformative work in New York City where she lives with her husband and two daughters.  She also offers on-line video options on her website. You can read more about her work and view her latest programming and class schedule at www.revolutionmotherhood.com.

 

 

True Beyond Mom Stories 2017

At Beyond Mom we appreciate true stories about women who are living real, brave and beautiful lives. These five women opened their hearts to us expressing the challenges and joys of being a Beyond Mom. These women have taken on major life transitions as well as heartbreaks that have only empowered their experience as leaders, entrepreneurs and mothers. From saying goodbye to taking on new adventures and standing up for what they believe in- these are the true Beyond Mom stories from 2017 that we are sharing with you before we wrap up the year.

Saying Goodbye to the City that Never Stops

To the city that raised our children, made our dreams come true and challenged us to grow… how could we possibly express our love and gratitude to a place, a real part of our lives, like New York City? Beyond Mom and New Yorker for 18 years, Deb Ross is ready to move on from this city, but not before she says goodbye. In her heartfelt piece for Beyond Mom, Deb reflects on the many lives she had lived in this city, and how you’re never really ready to say goodbye to a major phase of your life. Step into her experience here.

Empowering Our Girls. Yes, You are All That And Some

“There are all sorts of studies that come out and teach us how to empower our girls… but the bottom line is we just have to go with our gut.”
As a mom of a young girl, Hope McGrath knows that the intention to raise a confident young lady and eventually a strong woman is one of many challenges. She shared her story on empowering our girls with Beyond Mom right here.

Empathy, a Silver Lining of My Infertility

Natalie Stanton learned so much about empathy throughout her journey with infertility, and she’s sharing those precious lessons with Beyond Mom. An ex-licensed real estate broker and ex-practicing attorney, Natalie writes about her struggles to bear children to help heal herself from the trauma and to help others struggling. Read her beautiful story.

A Mother and Health Coach’s Journey: Healing from a Traumatic Brain Injury with Radical Self-Care

Healing our bodies, minds and our hearts after trauma is always a process. Christine Beal Dunst of Embody Wellness shares her vulnerable story of her car accident that left her with a traumatic brain injury. Her story is both inspiring as she cultivates self-care and patience and as a reminder of the precious nature of life. Find out how this mother and health coach embarked on a journey of healing and transformation right here.

How to Embrace Being a Single Beyond Mom

Embrace it. Find your team. Get some you time. Laura Kovall is the founder and CEO of Fit Co. She’s also a single mother who knows that as mamas (and especially as single mamas) we have to trust and love ourselves and embrace the journey with all its windy turns, hills and valleys.
She shares with us her own experience as well as tips on embracing this role as a single Beyond Mom right here.

 

Empathy, a Silver Lining of my Infertility

To have my son, we spent 4 years of our lives, close to a hundred thousand dollars. When we finally were able to get pregnant we lost our first two pregnancies in a row. During that time, I was a warrior goddess trudging through the depths of hell, but I didn’t feel like that. It felt terrible. I don’t wish this on anybody and do not recommend it for learning life’s lessons. But, sometimes we do not choose what happens to us. And, there are often silver linings. Learning about empathy while trying to have my son, was definitely just that.

Throughout my journey with infertility I’ve learned so much about empathy. I’ve learned that it is a phenomenal quality in a friend and I hold this now in such a high regard when I choose who to spend my time with. I’ve learned to be more empathetic myself and I believe that has made me a better mother, friend, wife and person.

I often am complaining about the things people say to people struggling with infertility.  Like “it will just happen”. Or, “be positive.” Or, “relax”.  Or, “baby dust.” (which I learned along the way can be very upsetting to people who have had their angels cremated). But, I do believe the people saying these things all mean well. And at least they are there and trying to say something to help. So, I want to be gentle and kind to these people and be grateful that they tried. I also know that when people know better they do better (RIP Maya Angelou).

So, here I want to focus on some of the people who were so beautifully empathetic toward me during my journey that they were a warm comfort in some of my most painful times. I am so grateful for these people.

During my struggles I have learned how important it is to accept my negative feelings and let them pass through me. I do believe in being positive but in times of real struggle, I also believe, we have to accept our pain and process it or it will cause all sorts of subconscious issues in our life. De Nile is not just a river in Egypt. Denial is real and it is a real problem for our growth as humans. Sometimes we cannot just tell ourselves we are happy or smile for others just to make them comfortable, I often wonder at this point in my life if I would be better off never doing this.

Empathetic people not only allow you to feel your pain but they will connect with theirs and be by your side in your time of struggle so you don’t have to feel it alone. The people who have been most empathetic to me during my hard times have not only helped me and warmed my heart in the darkness but they also have helped me so that I can do the same for people in my life. The juxtaposition of learning through accepting love during a painful time and turning around and helping someone else through a painful time is a heart bursting concept that I am so grateful I have experienced. It truly has enriched my life. 

Credit Arletta Charter for Randi Baird

One of the most empathetic people I met was my dear friend who I would speak to regularly because of something I was involved in at the time.  She has a big beautiful family but shared with me that she also had personal experiences with miscarriages before her children were born. 

She would often ask about what I was going through, listen and genuinely feel my pain. One day, we had breakfast and she was expressing how much she had been thinking of me and how sorry she was that I was enduring this struggle. She started belting out tears, real tears, for me. They were the tears that I often wasn’t strong enough to muster for myself. I couldn’t bring myself to connect with the pain and was often numb to it. But, this kind soul was feeling for me. No one had ever done that for me before. I am still so touched by this experience. 

This friend also offered to be a surrogate for me. My husband and I were mind-blown by her families generosity towards ours. It was right after our miscarriages and it gave us so much hope and comfort. It was an unbelievably generous sentiment. It was such a bright point in our long dark struggle. We luckily were able to have our son so we didn’t need to take her up on the offer. But, our hearts will always be larger because of it.

Another friend’s family, told their aunt who is a nun and we received a blessing in a beautiful card signed by all the nuns. It was so lovely we could feel all their love and support.

That same friend, called me after every appointment and would just check in every-once-in-a while to make sure she was up to date and offer support. She had been through IVF and works as a therapist so she was an unbelievable resource and support through the process. 

These people listened and sent their love and prayed for us. The phrases that they used included phrases like “Oh dear Natalie, my heart is breaking for you,” “I am praying that your next round is your round.” “I am so sorry you are going through this just so freaking sorry.”  The phrases were said genuinely and I could feel the love that I was witnessing. 

Many times these friends and others who I am blessed to have in my life simply asked “How are you?” and reminded me that they had been thinking of me. Prayers were often sent. But, they never asked me to relax or put my emotions away. They were comfortable sitting with me in my pain and they truly made one of the saddest times almost bearable. And I do prefer my unbearable pain with a side of warm, thoughtful empathy.

These amazing people have also made my life so much better because now I have been able to pay this empathy forward on many occasions. I would have never thought that I could connect with someone and cry with and for them. But, now that I have had these experience I have found myself welling up and letting tears flow with my friends who are struggling often. I know I cannot take the pain away. But these connections are to me so special. They are such a gift in life. 

These wonderful friends and angels have also helped me to be a better mother to my son. Being a young child is often difficult and these experiences have taught me to be able to sit with my son in his hard times of tears and tantrums and not try to shush his feelings away.

I am just so grateful for empathy.

 

Natalie Stanton is an ex-licensed real estate broker and ex-practicing attorney although still a member of the New York State Bar. She writes at www.nataliesnuggets.com about her struggles to bear children to help heal herself from the trauma and to help others struggling.  She also blogs about things of a more delightful nature. She enjoys tennis, fancy dinners, spa days, beach days, laughter, spiritual conversations as well as creating and enjoying beauty, love and joy in her home and beyond. She recently moved from Manhattan to Connecticut and is very much enjoying her new country life. She is grateful every day for all her blessings, especially her immediate family and miracle son.

A Mother and Health Coach’s Journey: Healing from a Traumatic Brain Injury with Radical Self-Care

Healing our bodies, minds and our hearts after trauma is always such a process. Christine Beal Dunst of Embody Wellness shares her vulnerable story of her car accident that left her with a traumatic brain injury. Her story is both inspiring as she cultivates self-care and patience and a reminder of the precious nature of life. Find out how this mother and health coach embarked on a journey of healing and transformation.

 

It’s cathartic sharing my story now, at almost one year after my car accident. I’m still going to treatments, still recovering, but grateful for the forced presence and appreciation it helped me cultivate. I’m blessed to be healing but many people don’t have that luxury. I always remind myself of that truth.

I am sharing this vulnerable story with the sincere hope that it can help shed light onto areas in your own life that need more love and TLC.  I don’t want anyone to wait one more second to start prioritizing self-care. We put ourselves last so often. I know that life can change in a second. Mine did. Don’t wait for an illness or accident to force you to make changes. Your kids, loved ones, career and the world need you to care for yourself so you can operate at your best. As we tell clients over and again, self-care and self-love are just as important to overall wellness as what you put in and on your body.

My morning started with an energizing workout followed by a speaking engagement giving a nutrition talk. An hour later my life completely shifted. I was rear ended on the highway by a small truck going 50 MPH while I was completely stopped. I suffered a severe concussion (traumatic brain injury), and a neck injury resulting in migraines, dizziness, brain fog, memory loss, confusion, irritability, visual issues, numbness over my entire head and face, crippling neck and cervical spinal pain, a fluid filled syrinx  (cyst) within the spinal cord and major sleep disturbances, just to name few. These injuries resulted in my cerebral spinal fluid not flowing optimally to my brain, which exasperated many of the symptoms. These symptoms lasted for almost 5 months and I’m still healing to this day, one year later. Radical self-care wasn’t a nice thing to do, it was (and is) an imperative for me.

No doctor or specialist I was shuffled around to could tell me when, or if, I would return to my old self.  If the pain would ease, or my abilities would return. Going to multiple doctors/healers, 4-5 appointments a week, was a full-time exhausting experience. The anxiety of the unknown recovery consumed me. Worse, my symptoms made it difficult communicating with anyone: I couldn’t find the words and literally at times couldn’t remember them. I felt isolated and confused. Doctors ordered me to “rest my brain” and de-stress my nervous system in order to heal. Easier said than done with two small children at home.

As a health coach and co-owner of a wellness and lifestyle company, I work with clients daily on self-care strategies. But when it became personal, I struggled to fully surrender. I was literally hit on the head and told by the universe to slow down, go inward and LET GO. I worried: who was going to care for my kids while I cared for myself?

As a yogi for 20 years, I believe in signs.

Before my accident, I didn’t fully understand what a concussion/brain injury was or how long it may take to heal. I felt like nobody understood how isolating, frustrating and humbling it felt to not be able to think clearly and to be in a constant “fog” coupled with debilitating pain. Even everyday tasks took so much energy and were challenging. I remember trying to take care of my kids in the morning. I was attempting to make them breakfast and get them off to school, something I typically did on auto-pilot before, now was almost impossible despite so much effort. As they asked me for “toast” and “more water,” their voices were too loud and it seemed like they were talking too fast when in actuality they weren’t.  The mulit-tasking was too difficult for me. I looked at my 5 year old daughter as I saw her lips moving but couldn’t decipher her words. “Mommy needs you to talk slower, Gracie,” I said through tears. “I’m just asking you for some toast, Mommy.” Her words finally became coherent to me. I just stood in the kitchen sobbing. I couldn’t remember what she’d just asked for. It became clear that we needed to get a full-time nanny to care for the kids while I wasn’t able. Admitting that was crushing. We also were fortunate to have the support of family and a loving community.

It was emotionally difficult too as I missed out on my children’s day-to-day moments and even major events. I “missed” 5 months of my daughter’s first year of school. I couldn’t participate in many holidays (including Christmas with my family), social events, play-dates and beyond. I was home-bound, unable to drive for those 5 months. That is not easy when you live in the suburbs. But when I was with the kids, I gave it my all.  I used all my effort to smile and seem normal so I didn’t worry them.

I also needed to halt one of my dearest self-care practices, my yoga practice. I had practiced a daily vigorous vinyasa flow with inversions for the past 20 years. It was humbling to step back from the asana practice, but in retrospect, this experience helped deepen what yoga truly is to me–a way of being vs. a physical practice. This picture of me doing a backbend is from prior to my accident. I am using it as motivation now.

Basically, I was an observer of my own life instead of the active participant. I reached a low point when I lost consciousness while home alone with my 3 year-old son. I couldn’t see or talk while I fell to the ground, but could still hear what was happening around me. Hearing my son shake me while sobbing for mommy to “please wake up” over and over again is something that I still can’t quite get out of my head. I wanted to say something to him, anything. I wanted to smile and tell him it was OK or get up off of the floor, but I couldn’t move. I can’t imagine what went through his little three year old mind. It terrified all of us. Enough was enough, it was time to surrender.  Anything not related to healing needed to pause.

I am now healing and resuming work and my life with new perspective, strength and hopefully more grace. I strongly believe I wouldn’t have recovered in this way without dedicated focus on self-care. I still have a road ahead of me, but self-care will always be a critical part of it.

Here are some tips to get you started:

Make time for whatever practice centers you:

Energetically make it a nonnegotiable priority. Even just 5 minutes a day in meditation, breathing, yoga, a walk, bath, reading, etc. Try doing your practice at the same time daily. Shift your mentality of “I have to do this” to “I deserve to do this.”

Ask for and receive help:

Many people asked me “what can I do?” Reply to them! Even if it is to say send positive energy or prayers.  If you want to make a change in your life seek out support you may need and accept it.

Shed the ego and let go:

I couldn’t let go of work, my clients, my daily to-do’s, etc. Look at the big picture. You will be better at your work, parenting, relationships when you take time to focus on you.

Feel and then release feelings:

Suppressing feelings is not loving toward yourself. Feel what you need to feel. First observe what you are feeling and then release your emotions daily without judgment. Cry, scream, go on a walk, do yoga, talk to a professional or whatever you need to do.

Cut out the extraneous:

What you take into your mind and body matter. If news or mindless TV isn’t doing it for you, take a break. Prioritize your social calendar. If you feel like staying in, DO IT! If you haven’t had a good conversation with a close friend in a long time, schedule a coffee!

Pamper you:

Pampering isn’t self-indulgent; it’s showing yourself you care. Many of us weren’t taught how to do this growing up. I was not. Teach yourself. Detox baths are my nightly nourishment with Epsom salts, coconut oil, lavender and baking soda to alkalize the body. They helped with my pain. Followed by soothing tea. I also adore infrared saunas for detoxing and pain management.

Cultivate your intuitive flow:

Do one thing daily that isn’t orchestrated and let your intuition guide you. Take a walk without a destination in mind, open your fridge and lovingly ask what inspires you and what do you need to feel alive or open your journal and draw or write whatever comes up.  My brain “exercises” the doctors wanted me to do daily was walk in nature. I just left my house and started walking. It was a life-saver on several levels.

Be Present:

Being alone all day quiet in my own thoughts and knowing that a migraine can strike at any point, helped me be present when I was with my family. I put aside devises and to-dos and mentally said this is what I’m going to focus on for now. It’s refreshing to practice this. You will feel lighter.

Surround yourself with those who uplift you:

Energy matters with healing and taking care of yourself. Your time is precious. Say goodbye to obligation you feel “heavy” about. If someone makes you feel inspired and light after spending time with them. Repeat.

Fill your tank with inspiration:

Words, people, books, music, nature, art, cooking, etc. Fill your mind and soul with whatever inspires you daily. Even for just a few minutes. Talking kindly to YOURSELF counts too.

Try a social media/cell phone pause:

Yes you heard this before but what if you just started by cutting your time daily on your devises? I had no choice due to the concussion and not being able to view screens but it’s a lesson I will take with me even when I’m healed. Life is precious, use the time to live your life not post about it. If pausing isn’t working for you, SET BOUNDARIES (e.g., no social media from 9-10 at night, etc.).

Seek out help from trusted gurus:

Healers, acupuncturists, yogis, chiropractors, doctors, holistic health coaches, therapists and beyond. Find your tribe. Ask people you trust to give you recommendations.

Use food as medicine:

Food heals. I’ve studied the benefits of a whole-foods, anti-inflammatory diet but more importantly, I’ve experienced first hand how food and mood correlate both with my clients and myself. I amped up my greens, omega’s, antioxidants, turmeric, ginger, medicinal mushrooms (e.g., lions mane, chaga, etc.), cilantro and other healing herbs, adaptogens and so much more.

Christine Beal Dunst is the Co-Founder and CEO of EMBODY Wellness Company, LLC. She has her masters in Healthcare Management and Policy, worked in Corporate Strategy and Marketing for over 15 years, is an AADP Certified Holistic Health Coach and a yogi for 20 years. EMBODY Wellness Company specializes in creating customizable, holistic wellness and nutrition programs targeted to accomplish your goals. For more information, visit [www.EmbodyWellnessCompany.com], [Facebook: www.facebook.com/EmbodyWellnessCompany],[Instagram: @embodywellnesscompany]
 and [Twitter: @EmbodyWellness1]

How to Embrace Being a Single Beyond Mom

On July 12, 2017, my parents will be celebrating their 47th wedding anniversary.  They met on September 21, 1966- my father’s 19th birthday- at Cornell University, dated throughout college, and married a year after they graduated.  Growing up, I was certain I would follow in similar footsteps. Even though I was raised on the Upper West Side, went to a progressive private high school, was a three sport varsity athlete and captain, and was consistently told that I could be anything and everything, I naturally assumed my biggest role as an adult would be as a wife and mother.

Just like my parents, I ended up at Cornell. And, just like my mother, I met a boy my freshman year who I wound up dating exclusively until the age of 25.  This relationship didn’t end up in marriage but not long after we split, I met the man I would marry at age 29.  When I found myself at 36, separated, heading towards divorce with a business to run and a two year old to care for, I was forced to come to terms with the fact that my life looked nothing like the one i would’ve assumed.

When it comes to being divorced, I am one of the lucky ones. Sophia’s father and I put her wellbeing first, discuss her needs and are able to be together at appropriate times- with her- to enjoy her accomplishments and special events. We also recognize that to be the best co-parents we can be, we each individually have to be in a healthy place. So even though we are not in a relationship any longer, we do our best to make sure the other feels (relatively) rested, not terribly overwhelmed, and generally content.  

So unlike many of the moms I know,  I do get breaks. I have never valued “me time” as much as I do now.

What this also means is that when I am with Sophia there is no one else to share both the triumphs and the challenges. Like when her voice gets really loud with excitement and determination she is able to read a word.  And when she asks the meaning of a random word like the word “test” and I have to come up with the definition.  When she says “big” words like “extracting” and when she is trying to say “distracting.” How endearing she is when, before she is asleep, she is in bed talking to herself and singing the songs she sang at school earlier in the day.  Trust me, raising my daughter isn’t always a picnic. There’s no one else to help discipline when she disobeys, no other set of hands when she can’t sleep, gets sick, and wants water, breakfast, and help with her clothes, all at the same time.

After she is asleep at night, there is no one else there to sit with.  

This is at times peaceful, lovely and incredibly rewarding.  And, and at other times, it feels completely and utterly lonely.  

I can only imagine the challenges that full-time single parents face; whether they be a widow/widower or a man or woman who decided to adopt.  And of course, those who thought they would have a partner, but then suddenly did not.

” I always knew I wanted to have a child,” a client of mine, Niki shared with me.  “I decided to BE a parent the moment I became pregnant.  I decided to be a single parent the moment my boyfriend decided he did not want the responsibility of being a parent.”

When Niki was on maternity leave, with her adorable son Teo, she attended some of my MamaFit classes.  Despite the solo-sleep deprivation she was facing, as no one else was there to bear the burden, she still managed to get to class.

“The biggest challenge has been not having help, having to do everything alone. Not really getting that time out when a partner would take over,” Niki, who doesn’t have family nearby, continued. “But the biggest reward? My son! The love I am capable of and receive is incredible. He is the most amazing, loving, sweet, strong-willed little boy.  His smile makes everything ok. Even when he is testing me (often) the love I have for him is overwhelming.  He has given my life a whole new meaning. Coming home from work is like coming home to the winning lottery ticket every single day.”  

Niki gave me some golden words of wisdom: “The best piece of advice for anyone who is faced by choice or unexpectedly with becoming a single parent is that you can do it.  It seems impossible and it can be overwhelming at times but it is totally possible.  Surround yourself with a strong support network especially other new moms and moms who have done it already.  Don’t stress the small stuff and enjoy every moment.  It sounds cliche but it’s so true that it goes by fast. Cherish it, because having a child is one of the ultimate blessings.”

Here are my top three tips for single Beyond Moms:

Embrace It: Whether or not this was what you signed up for, being a single parent is incredibly rewarding and empowering. Love it, embrace it; It will not only be positive for you but for your child.

Find Your Team: The importance of a support network is profound. Personally, I have found becoming friends with other single moms hugely helpful, but really this could be anyone who you feel you can be yourself with, without judgement, and who understands the need for even just an hour to yourself and may help you attain that. 

You time: Okay, this may seem impossible.  But to be the best parent you can be, you do need to be able to carve out time for yourself. Even if it’s just an hour to go workout.  If you have no family in the area and no partner, perhaps you can trade off with a fellow mom friend.

Beyond Moms value the woman inside the mother- as a single parent this is distinctly important. Trust and love yourself and embrace the journey with all its windy turns, hills and valleys. Ultimately, you will grow through all of it.

Laura Kovall is a mom and founder and CEO of The Fit Co, a one-stop shop that fits fitness into your life with time efficient total body classes. Laura is empathetic to all who want to remain fit while juggling multiple responsibilities. She created her program at The Fit Co. with this in mind. 

Saying Goodbye to the City that Never Stops

After 18 years of living in New York City, Deb Ross says goodbye. In this heartfelt piece, one mom reflects on the many lives she has lived in the city, and how you’re never really ready to say goodbye to a major phase of your life. 

I am just going to say it.

I am moving out of NYC.

After 18 years.

I am scared.  

I am excited.  

I am every feeling you are thinking about right now.

A friend once told me you are never ready to leave the city, you just try one day and hopefully on the other side you find out that you are okay, maybe even calmer and happier than your city-self.

It’s hard to move out of the city that you grew up in since you were 21 years old fresh out of college. It echos that feeling of leaving your parents house for college. You are so ready and you are so not ready. But you know it is time to go.  

It’s also like breaking up with a deeply soulful partner that knows you so intimately that not being in that relationship feels like you are losing an aspect of yourself. A consistent compass that has guided you through almost two decades worth of life. Finding and losing your way over and over again. It has given you both everything and at times nothing.

I have lived many lives in NYC – from the angsty twenties girl hating “real life and jobs” —  a first job in fashion and beauty PR, followed by an early quarter life crisis (it’s a real thing, my mom even sent me the book, look it up), into three years of graduate school at 25 because I found my passion in Traditional Chinese Medicine.  Then there were my NYC love lives. I said I love you for the first time in this city at 23 and for the last time at 30. The city is a melting pot and so was my dating life. From South American to Indian, younger to way too old, and from Path train to L train to Brooklyn, I traveled the boroughs looking for love. I finally got lucky, finally meeting the “one” – my husband through a best friend who met him at work and thought we would like each other (she was obviously spot on). After traversing all over this city for love, turns out my love lived across Madison Square Park from me. Me East. Him West. In this city, I was a girlfriend, an ex girlfriend, a friends with benefits, a lover, a fiancé and wife. I also became a mother twice in this city to two daughters. The city literally gave me life, and I gave it two lives back.   

I moved here the summer after college at the University of Wisconsin with four of my five besties. We lived on the Upper West side in a two bedroom converted in four. We did our 20’s here. You know the decade no one tells you is filled with tremendous soul searching and angst trying to figure out the “now what”?  For me it was more like “this is it”. It meaning life. Don’t get me wrong, I also experienced the other side of that NYC in your 20’s – dancing on tables, late nite diners, Twilo, concerts, Lot 61, the birth of the Meatpacking district, awful Hamptons shares, hangovers, hook ups, brunches, deep conversations that lasted days, beautiful friendships and truly loving the city that never sleeps so you can be as wild or mild as you want to be on any given day. I also experienced the city in its most painful and terrifying moments witnessing 9/11 and its aftermath, the summer black-out that was initially scary and then turned into one of those NYC nights that we still reminisce about, and those huge snow storms that leave the city so quiet and oh so beautiful and magical. The high intensity energy of the city worked for me.

In my thirties the city conspired with all my intentions and prayers and gave me everything I wanted. A thriving career, a husband, and two children. I went from angsty pensive 20’s girl into living the modern woman’s dilemma of what it means to have it all without compromising things that made you you, before becoming a wife and mother. I was happy, confused, guilt ridden and overwhelmed. I was mad for feeling guilty and confused at feeling overwhelmed. Motherhood was a huge emotional and identity shake up for me. With my first it took me a long time to feel confident in this new role. But the city was a constant companion. I knew the city. It hadn’t changed just because I had a baby and it gave me sense of security in a time when I didn’t feel like me. It knew me before baby and was okay with accepting me now. When I was bored or felt disconnected, I simply wore the baby and went outside on the streets and watched and walked along with the vibe of the city.  Sometimes it helped connect me back to me, other times it made me feel more lonely. And that was okay. Eventually, I figured out the NYC mom culture (which is a thing) and returned to work at the clinic a few days a week – which was my balance.  I wanted to be a present and involved mom, while still working with patients because I loved it and I loved that it rooted me back to pre-everything me.  And that worked really well for a while until baby number 2 entered our world three years later.  She rounded out our family beautifully — from a triangle to a square we became one. Motherhood this time around was easier, I was more grounded, calm and had mom wisdom. Now it was about figuring out my balance again. Balance is not a fixed thing, it’s fluid and ever changing from moment- to-moment to day- to- day. Logistics was new challenge. I was happy, confused, guilt ridden and overwhelmed again. It took about 7 months for me to return to work. I’m thankful that I had the time, flexibility, job and support to take that time to return. I respect and understand a lot of moms do not have this luxury. The city welcomed my need for time and my double stroller (the pedestrians not so much).  And I found my balance with two kids, preschool drop off, baby classes, work, working out, and date nights. Sometimes crushing it, sometimes getting crushed. Such is the ebb and flow of life.

And now as I am rounding the corner into this new phase outside of the city, which so happens correlates with my birthday – a new decade of life nonetheless (4-Oh!) – the city is showing me all of its beauty and ugliness. I see what I have been ignoring for years – the vomit on the street, the trash, constantly sharing personal space with everyone, the bumps, traffic and hectic pace. All the while loving my mini village in Chelsea where in 6 blocks I can workout at 5 different boutique fitness classes, grocery shop at the trifecta of Whole Foods, Fairway and Trader Joes, see my therapist, drink my americano at 7 different cool coffee shops and eat at numerous organic, healthy food options. The city lives in that constant flux between good vs bad – often it’s a matter of your mindset that day that either makes it a fierce struggle or the “only in New York” magical day. And some days share both components because balance is not fixed and neither is the city that never stops.

I am not saying goodbye because it’s not like I am moving to Mars, it’s upstate for heaven’s sake. But I am trying to face our impending move with an open heart and with space (actual space, not just emotional space) for a lot of unwinding. I only know how to be in the city.  So there’s a lot of unlearning and relearning to embrace.  And I agree with my dear friend, I don’t think you are ever really ready to leave the city, I think you just have to take the great unknown step and just see what happens.  

So NYC I love you, respect you and thank you for being a my consistent partner for 18 years.  I will always check in, visit and keep you updated on how life feels on the other side.

 

 

Empowering Our Girls. Yes, You Are All That and Then Some!

As a mom of a young girl, the intention to raise a confident young lady and eventually a strong woman is one of many challenges. It takes effort and consistency to instill confidence in kids. Who knows what will come of it all either? So this is why I was shocked and had a negative flashback to my youth when my child was being denigrated by a “friend” that was engaging in, dare I say, cyber bullying. I thought I would have to deal with cyber bulling in high-school, but not 5th grade! Yup, I discovered a string of emails coming into her inbox that were completely unacceptable. I can let a lot of things roll, but when her “friend,” a boy in her class, wrote “You are not even all that,” among other things, it really triggered me. The tiger mom in me came out. Oh hell no is some kid going to start squashing the spirit of my girl with words leading to her second-guessing herself, her looks and her personality.

The same thing happened to me when I hit middle school and continued on through college. “You think you are all that,” they said.

Unfortunately I didn’t have the where with all to fight back the cruelty behind the words. What was I doing or saying to make them think this, say this about me…both boys and girls? I’m pretty sure I wasn’t walking around like a conceited PYT. I had my own family and personal issues, so I wasn’t necessarily the most confident girl around town. Girls were the worst though. The end result of years of hearing those words actually hindered me and resulted in me dimming my light for many years. I saw other girls just step into that glow of attention and from the outside their confidence was blooming. I felt that I was on a roller coaster road of faking the funk. Sometimes I was out there, confident, doing amazing stuff, looking fabulous and then the flip side was feeling the exact opposite inside.

Now fast forward a few decades and here I am defending my girls (my 12-year old niece is going through this big time). The boys want the girl they can’t get. The girls are ‘hating’ with jealousy over who knows what…probably the combo of beauty and brains. It’s awful living it, but it saddens me that I now have to break it down for the young girls in my life. I had to say to both my niece and daughter…you know what? YOU ARE ALL THAT AND THEN SOME…and don’t let anyone’s words make you doubt your character, kindness, creativity, beauty, intelligence and talent. For many years countless girls are going to be told “You think you are all that.” I tell them, just say this to yourself when you hear that B.S. “ Yup, I am all that and don’t you forget it. “

There are all sorts of studies that come out and teach us how to empower our girls, about the disparity between the masculine and the feminine with societal childrearing and in our school system. We live in a masculine world after all. I’ve tried to take in consideration of all kinds of parenting tips, but the bottom line is we just have to go with our gut. In the end, our personal cyber bullying situation was squashed due to the “friend’s” good, empathetic parents. I’m so grateful for that. I guess my lesson is keep your eyes open. Check out the movie “Screenagers” for some insights on the state of technology and our kids (it’s scary). All we can do is keep on the path of being the best parents we can be.

Two of my closest friend are high-school educators for almost two decades and one day I asked them, after all these years, what do you think builds the most confidence in girls…what is the one common denominator? Both of them said the exact same thing, almost at the same time. I was shocked. Athletes. Without a blink of an eye, student athletes were the most confident girls from their experience. Maybe I’ll see you on soccer field this spring?

 

Hope McGrath is a Transformational Coach + Fashion Consultant. www.hopemcgrath.com

Check out Hope’s upcoming wellness workshop “Creativity, Crystals and Clarity” on May 21st. 

* Bonus promo code before 5/15: CreativeCrystal2017