My new friend Bex Borucki recently posted something that spoke to the trust we must have in our own instinct as parents. “Stop listening to people you don’t know. Stop listening to parenting experts. Stop listening to ME! My experience is not your experience. I am only an expert at raising and birthing five individual children, none of whom are yours. If advice doesn’t feel good to you, it’s not for you.” (I love Bex and her approach- for more check out my recent podcast conversation with her!.)
As many of you can probably relate, the real growth moments recently have come with my four year old as he and we navigate what it means to be a family of four. He has both amazed me and challenged me, as I knew he would…I just didn’t know exactly how.
Big brotherhood fits him like a snug sweater. He finds it cozy and interestingly familiar. But in the first two weeks of our daughter’s arrival, his emotions got the better of him…in his sleep. He started waking up at ungodly hours, screaming for his mommy and daddy, disturbed to the core. At first, we gave him the love we thought he needed, he’s going through so much change, we told ourselves. But after a week and a half I realized we were just in an ugly pattern and I was not happy about it. To push me a little further, my husband had his first night away for a business trip. That’s when the reality hit me: I’m up every few hours with my newborn and I could be all myself with two screaming kids.
As the realization hit me, I began to have a vision of myself in that scenario, and it wasn’t pretty. I saw the 3 am version of myself, exhausted, sweaty from newborn sleeping/nursing snuggles, bleary eyed and over sensitive to my son’s piercing screams. My threshold zilch. And the word Zombie came into my head. Yes, I would look…and feel…like a zombie. Micah is both fascinated and a little scared of Zombies.
Today’s parenting advice tends to tiptoe around our kid’s emotional state. Don’t push him too far, don’t tell him too much, don’t make him grow up before he needs to. And worst of all, don’t use scare tactics! But back to the advice of my buddy Bex, we know our child best. And without much thought, I approached my son in a way which I knew would scare him just enough to get with the program.
Me: Hey Micah, you know, if you wake up crying in the middle of the night tonight, I need to tell you who will be coming to see you…Zombie Mommy. (His eyes become wise and indeed, he’s paying attention.)
Micah: But you don’t have zombie clothes.
Me: I don’t need Zombie clothes, I will just look like one.
Micah: What will you look like?
Me: Well, my hair will be a mess, my eyes will be red, and I will be very, very unhappy.
Micah: But I don’t want to see Zombie Mommy! (a bottom lip begins to quiver)
Me: Then when you wake up in the middle of the night, put on your music, snuggle your lovey, and put yourself back to sleep like I know you know how to do. Then you won’t have to see Zombie Mommy!
We went through the scenario a few more times, and before bed I gave him a gentle reminder of what he needs to do in order not to see Zombie Mommy. I even picked him up a calendar and stickers as a reward for sleeping through the night (I’m not opposed to some positive reinforcement!).
I’m proud to say that he has slept through the night again ever since. Once in a while, I remind him of Zombie Mommy and it has motivated him to self-soothe and find his sleep, even if he has a dream that makes him unhappy. Of course, I remind him that if he is sick he can always call his Mom and Dad, but I’m happy that I got through to him.
The funny thing is that in creating this idea of Zombie Mommy, I realize that I not only broke a bad pattern for my son, but I actually put myself first. My sleep is already compromised with my newborn and I knew that adding my screaming son would literally turn me into a zombie! And as a Beyond Mom, I know that my sanity is key to the wellbeing of the whole family.
Too much advice, I believe, will block your own intuitive flow and your own ability to get through to your kids. Some of you may disagree with my tactic, and that’s ok. It’s for my kid, not yours. But I’m happy that I listened to an inner voice that in the end, took care of everyone, and mostly protected me from a dynamic that would merely cause chaos.
Are there patterns that don’t work in your household? Can you tune out the external voices and perspectives and listen to your own needs, putting them high up on the priority list? Can you tune in to your own child and understand how they think and respond and go with that? There’s not one-way, there’s many. But the truth usually comes from your own innate wisdom. Listen to it.
