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Yep – I’m a Joiner!
If Only Babies Had A Button
My beautiful daughter is now just a nudge older than six weeks. (If you count that I would have been induced at 38 weeks if I was with an OB she would be ten weeks and five days old…I’ll stop counting that eventually…)
When she wants something, she cries. I know, baby 101, right? Makes sense. The only thing is, she goes from quiet, sleeping, happy baby to crying like you SET HER ON FIRE in less than a second. Once in a while there’s a warning noise. We call it her wind-up.
Wouldn’t it be nice if there was some way to say, “Hey baby, I hear you and I’m on my way!” that the baby actually understood? Some button I could press – the belly button would be terribly convenient – that would alert the baby that I’m on my way with whatever she needs and she can be quiet for five minutes.
Basically I want my baby to come equipped with a snooze button.
Because it amazes me over and over that she will be wailing loud enough to make my ears ring, but the SECOND her wet diaper is removed or milk is inserted into her mouth, she drops into complete monk-like silence.
Maybe I should just be grateful that she stops crying as fast as she starts.
New Workspace – New Priorities – Old Stress
Right now I’m blogging from my living room – a huge change from being in my office environment doing office-y type things. I’m trying to find a good balance between getting stuff done and being a good parent. I’ve really enjoyed the past few months where my focus has been a lot more housewife and a lot less breadwinner. My kids get into less trouble, there are fewer murals of crayon love on my walls, and they seem to be bonding with their little sister faster than I could have hoped. There is no jealousy because I’m more available – even with a new baby – than I have been for them in the past couple years. They’re thrilled to have this kind of access to mom, so they don’t notice that a lot of that attention is going to the newborn.
But even with all the enjoyment and happiness there is this little hint of a feeling inside me. It’s like a churning kind of feeling. The paranoia that comes with not actively working. Sure, I should be working soon…but I’m not right. this. second. and that worries me on a deep level.
It also worries me that I may never be happy being a housewife unless I have some way of bringing in income. This probably comes from my great-grandmother who raised me with a few primary beliefs:
- Don’t rely on anyone else to take care of you. Marriage is about partnership, but if something happens, you need to be able to take care of yourself and your family solo.
- Women weren’t meant to sit around taking care of babies. They will never be truly happy unless they can provide for those children with more than hair and makeup and a pleasant attitude to make sure they get fed. (Sounds a lot like #1 now that I write it down – she was an ace at reinforcing her beliefs!)
So I’m trapped in this place where I don’t know if my feelings are my own or if they are just a remnant of my childhood teaching. Great-gramma also taught me that nothing is ever good enough – things can always be improved or done in a better way. So, even if I am taking care of my children and making an income it probably won’t feel like enough.
But how do you recalibrate your soul for the proper definition of “enough”? I don’t see how that’s even possible.
I’m torn. Thrilled to be a great parent to my children, enjoying letting my husband take the lead and letting him support the family…but feeling a serious lack of great businesswoman in the mix.
The laptop in the living room is a start. Now I plan on using it to create something good that will quench the junkie-like craving for money/security that I can’t seem to shake. Sure, I could pick a number and when my savings account gets to that tell myself that’s all the security I need…but that would be so arbitrary (I know there are guidelines – 8 months of income … 6 months of expenses … but how do you REALLY know how much savings is enough?? You can’t!) So I just set the goal higher and higher every time we get to one.
There are worse things to crave than financial security, I guess.
New Haircut – New Plan – Same Old Issue
So, after getting rid of 8 inches off my hair, I look a lot more human.
I feel a lot more human, too.
Want to see it? Check it out on Facebook.
Plus the baby seems to be breathing well during the day and during most of the night (she didn’t wake up all congested and need to be baby-snot-sucked until 3:30am last night. Yea!)
Sure I’m still battling plugged ears and I haven’t managed to sleep all night in my bed since that first night after giving birth, but I’m sure all that will come in time … and maybe after another visit to the chiropractor. It certainly can’t hurt!
I’ve been thinking a lot about Ali Brown. She was the Ezine Queen way back in the day – I remember she had the most awful website (well, it was awesome when it was first done, I’m not hating on her site or anything) and she was the first Internet marketer I knew that used one of those floating windows to get more signups to the Ezine. She was beautiful, blonde, living in California…and kicking butt online. She pretty much rocks. Another interesting fact – she is the ONLY Internet marketer that I’ve seen that hasn’t deeply disappointed me by being a total sellout at some point or another. That includes the touchy-feely social media Internet marketers, too.
She went from the Ezine queen to a freaking lifestyle brand. I mean, how can you think that’s anything but awesome?
But my problem isn’t knowing how to market a business or even start a business – it’s finding a passion. I am passionate about absolutely nothing when it comes right down to it. Sad, right? I was talking to family about it and come to find out they have the same problem. My grandmother worked at the toll road for 25 years but before that she owned a plant business, worked for a grocery distributor, and did about a thousand other things. She just never really fell in love with anything and then the toll road happened and it was good pay, great benefits, and she just…stayed there.
So it’s not just a “me” problem with the passion – it’s totally genetic. I wonder if that should make me feel better? LOL
If only there were something to be totally passionate about that didn’t involve advanced math, customer service skills, clients, writing, or animals. I mean, I’m sure there’s something out there, it’s just a matter of figuring out what. It seems that everything I can think of has some THING that is a total dealbreaker.
For example…
- I’d totally be an embalmer…until the first kid was on the table. Then I’d freak out and quit. Totally.
- It would be great to be a psychological profiler – but TV made it popular and I don’t want to see pictures of murdered people.
- Being a boring lab tech CSI would be cool, but I have two words for you: Stomach Contents *shudderbarf*
- An attorney would be a fun career – but then you have clients. Prosecutor or Defender – either way you end up with a total waste of air as a client eventually. Maybe a lot of them. Ew.
- A teacher? Yeah, no. I’d be fired in a week.
- Daytrading sounds fun, but no one ever makes money in the long term daytrading. Well, maybe some do, but I don’t have the stomach for gambling. So professional gambler is out, too.
- I could be a construction worker, electrician, or other trade worker…but I don’t know what kind of training is required or if it would be difficult to get a job or easier since I’m a woman. Plus I don’t know how I’d feel being a woman in a blue-collar job. A woman I know has a husband that does demolitions…that would be SUPER fun, but if you mess up someone could die. That would be bad.
- It seems that everyone is a coach these days – but yeah – I just don’t want to be a coach or have my livelihood attached to someone else’s success. Yuck.
Maybe picking a niche and just using Internet marketing to push it is going to be my toll road. It’s safe, will always pay the bills, and will give me money to sock away in savings for retirement. It’s just…the most potentially successful niche I can think of is NOT my passion.
Because I don’t have a passion.
I’m passionless. (Well not entirely…my kids didn’t come from the stork, LOL)
Maybe I don’t need a passion.
It seems that everything I see online talks about taking your passion (which it is assumed you have) and then the people will teach you how to profit from the passion. Why do I have to be the back-assward fool with the profit and no passion?
It’s frustrating.
41 Week Update (Yep, Still Pregnant!)
Baby is still in there. Due date was the 20th so I’m just about 41 weeks today!
There have been contractions, even fairly regular ones, but nothing closer than 17 minutes apart as of yesterday.
We shall see what happens today. I know I’m safe and baby is safe, so if anyone else is nervous or freaking out (like my mom, aka, “Will there be an ambulance parked outside of your house?” LOL) I’m choosing not to let it affect me…and doing a surprisingly good job of it!
Today I go in for a non-stress test at the midwife’s office as well as an internal check and membrane stripping (or membrane sweeping if stripping sounds too harsh). I get to see how far along I am as well as seeing if the sweep gets things going. If not, there’s the follow up chiropractor appointment on Monday and the acupuncturist/naturopath on Wednesday.
Because, by golly, it’s alternative medicine week here at the ‘decki household 
I just wish everyone was as secure as I am that she will come when she is ready, and not a moment sooner. She’s moving regularly (and HARD – this girl is strong!) and I feel fantastic.
We’re doing great.
The Sleep Schedule Starts To Break Down
I’m sure we all knew this was going to happen eventually.
I really feel I’ve been terribly lucky that I’ve been sleeping this well this long (today I’m at 39 weeks + 3 days) and even in my bed. My last two pregnancies I was sleeping sitting up in a chair from 37 weeks until the inductions at 38 weeks.
It’s weird that I’m on my third kid and can honestly say I’ve never been this pregnant before!
But last night it changed. I just lay there in bed, for hours, awake and in pain most of the night. My hip – more specifically my sciatic nerve – was throbbing unless I was “just so” in bed. I finally gave up at 5am and got up, took a shower, and went out to breakfast with a friend at about 7:30am.
This afternoon I took a two hour nap and now I feel all groggy and woozy.
I’m alternately relieved and horrified that the baby will probably show up this week. I’m so used to my current state of being that I can’t imagine it being any different.
On the bright side, if I continue to be unable to sleep in my bed, you can see Abby is ready to jump in and keep my side warm. LOL
I just said to my stomach, “You ready yet baby? Because I certainly am!” She kicked a few times in response. Talking to something inside of my body and having it respond to my voice is SO creepy.
Going To The Bookstore Today
Luckily my friend is only a little worried my water may break in the store, creating an embarrassing situation that causes us to leave shrieking and laughing out the door.
Honestly, though, I don’t think that’s going to happen. She feels like she’s in there for the long haul and I won’t be even mildly worried about water breakage until Thursday (due date #1) – but even mild worry won’t keep me from leaving the house!
I wonder how many women have public water breakage.
The book I’m going to get is 48 Days To The Work You Love
Updated to Add: Ended up looking at 48 Days and realized it was NOT the book for me. It was 1% “What should I do?” and 99% “How to get a job doing it.” My problem is the WHAT not the HOW. (I could figure out how to get a job shoveling dung if that’s what I really wanted to do when I woke up every morning.)
So while going through the careers section, I ran across a different book… Zen and the Art of Making a Living: A Practical Guide to Creative Career Design
While I generally avoid anything religious like the plague, Zen isn’t actually a religion but a philosophy, so I sucked it up and glanced inside. WOW! This book is over 500 pages, and a huge chunk of that is exercises and questions and lists that help you figure out what you want to do. Exactly what I need.
I’m not intimidated by the length of the book, because I plan on working through it slowly during new-baby time. There are sections on careers, independent/freelance, starting a business, and even starting a non-profit! While I know how to do three out of four of those, connecting that once I know what the heck I want to do might be really helpful. It certainly can’t hurt. I’m only on page 61 right now, but already feel better than I have in weeks about potential future careers or business plans. The book is not only informative, but calming.
Because one of the basic points of the book is that I already know what I’m on this earth to do, I just have to match up what that is with my brain that keeps screaming, “I don’t know!”
It gives me hope.
Hope that I’ll be able to do something that has meaning once the kids are all in school and out of my uterus. That there will *be* a next and breeding isn’t going to be the be-all and end-all of my life.
Note: Don’t get me wrong. I think raising kids is an important job. I have this feeling that anything I want to do will require either more schooling or different training or something. The plan I’m making now, before and just after this little girl is born, is a long term plan. One that is intended to be an eventual smooth transition between the kids going to full-day school and me at a fulfilling, amazing job or business or freelance career that I will the be able to throw myself into with reckless abandon and joy.
Gosh, that would be nice.
Woke Up On My Stomach Again
The only pain-free way for me to sleep is on my stomach.
Which always makes me think I’m crushing the baby. I don’t *care* if baby can’t breathe, I still have paranoid fits about crushing airways and inability to take in a breath. (I don’t have to be logical, I’m pregnant…duh)
My mom informed me yesterday she wants to meet the midwife. Of course, she informed me of this after asking if there is an ambulance that sits outside of your house during a homebirth “just in case” so I’m thinking this may not be the greatest idea.
Can you imagine having an ambulance just waiting outside your door in case something goes wrong? That wouldn’t add any stress to your experience…not even a little bit…
It’s funny, I asked my mom about her three births and if she really felt she needed doctors and nurses or if it would have been the same if she’s just, you know, stayed at home.
She said she would have rather just stayed at home but she relished the being able to rest for a couple days after the birth. “Rest for a couple days? Huh?” I asked. It seems that when I was born the nurses kept the kid and formula-fed while the mom rested up – at least in her hospital.
“Didn’t you want to see the baby?” I asked.
“Sure, for ten minutes a day when I wasn’t sleeping.” She answered.
Guess I’m not the only one in my family that doesn’t have that outpouring of gushy loveness as soon as baby goes from inside to outside. But I still can’t imagine not taking care of the baby that just, you know, came out of your body. Even for a couple of days. It feels weird to me – but I’m way more crunchy than my mom is so maybe she is way more normal than I am.
Which is kind of a scary thought (in a funny way)- because my mom is definitely not normal.
She’ll be here on Tuesday. This is the first time she’ll see my kids since they were 8mos. old and 19mos. old.
She’s in for a hell of a shock. *evil grin*
And just you wait until I tell her about the breast crawl we’re planning on doing post birth to get the baby to start feeding. She’s going to flip. “What do you mean you just plop the naked, uncleaned baby on your nekked chest until it finds your boob? WTF?!?!
I’m actually looking forward to telling her – but I’m going to wait until she’s here so I can see the look of shock on her face.
The breast crawl is actually pretty cool. You can see some great examples if you do a search on YouTube.
Image Source: bies via sxc.hu
When Documentaries Fight Back – The Future of Food and Pregnancy Paranoia
So I was minding my own business, learning about people who dress like superheroes and hang on Hollywood Blvd. – everything was just fine.
Then the movie ended and there was this…other movie….that looked really good. It was called The Future of Food – how could it not rock, right? Right?! (it’s available under the Documentaries section on Hulu.com if you want to watch it – it’s good, even if it induces food paranoia in pregnant women *grin*)
So I watched it.
Now, if you’ve already come to terms with the world ending and all of us being thrown into some Mad Max and the friggin’ Thunderdome future, well, then I highly recommend the movie.
Me? I kept waking up last night, nightmare after nightmare of an infertile world (like that one movie, or that other one) or a world where even more people are starving and crops have all committed suicide.
Let me tell you, the final stretch of pregnancy is not a fun one for me. I get all – paranoid.
So, ten minutes into the movie I call Randy and verify that he’s game for turning the ENTIRE backyard into a garden. He is, understandably, excited at the prospect (considering our backyard corn is up to our roof, I can understand why) and tells me how it’s going to be a five year transition and we can use bins on the part of our backyard that was turned into a parking lot until we know we are committed enough to tear up that part of the backyard and reclaim it as garden.
Or something like that.
I don’t know how much you can realistically get off the grid in a suburban neighborhood, but you know what, it might be fun to find out. (No, I don’t mean giving up internet access…are you mad? LOL)
I’m going to relax and try not to become entirely freaked out when I see food. I wasn’t doing too great with that before the documentary, so wish me luck.
For now I’ll be watching That Handmaid’s Tale on YouTube. That will calm me right down. Or not, but better to be paranoid about one world religion than the food in my fridge.
Because redirecting a freak out to something far away makes it easier to focus on something positive and close and feel comforted – comforted in family,
It’s a matter of abstract vs. right in front of you.
If I need a snack, thank goodness for the garden. I can go pick something from my own garden that hasn’t been genetically modified – well – except for normal hybridization and inbreeding – the same things that makes purebred dogs less than hearty than non-dictated mixing of breeds, types, and family lines…oh crap.
I have got to mellow out.
