My baby has been so fussy since she got her vaccination, and I feel bad for her. I’m not anti-vax … I’m pro-delayed-vax. I schedule only the necessary vaxes and then space them out so we never get more than one shot at a time and also make sure that all the vaxes she does get are made with dead viruses.

Makes you hungry just thinking about dead viruses, right?

On the bright side, my doctor is 100% on board with my strategy. Too bad the medical assistant is not, and always forgets who we are for the first five minutes of the visit – the five minutes where she judges us for not vaccinating according to schedule. I just reminded her yesterday that I sent her a Christmas card. To her HOME. That she gave me the address to. Then she was really nice again.

Funny how someone can trust you enough to give you their home address and forget you two months down the road.

Of course, the ability to make people trust you that much repeatedly is how you build a business in a recession. The check always gets handed over to the bidder with the highest trust level, because business owners want to make sure they’re going to get work done for that money.

Sometimes I think it would be easier to sell office furniture, office supplies, life insurance, or any other product rather than services – because then there is something the buyer can hold in their hands and say, “This is mine. I purchased this. With my money.” Instead of the hours that go into creating and launching campaigns.

On the bright side I’m not the one doing the work, I’m just the secretary. Just. LOL

Part of me really wants to make up a fake name like LouBelle Johnson for when I answer the phone. I won’t really do it, because that’s sleazy and untrustworthy…but couldn’t you just see me answering the phone with a southern drawl, “Good Morning and thank you for calling Marketing Curve, this is LouBelle Johnson…how may I help you today?”

I would spend the better part of every work day laughing myself into a stupor. Then I’d spend the other half scouting for leads the way I do now.

Because, yeah, there are leads involved. This is a real company y’all. There are plans for an office space in the future.

The funny thing is we’ve been working at this business for about four years now. (Started sometime in ‘05) and just recently did the opportunities start to seemingly fall in our laps. The people were receptive to the ideas and concepts, and meetings are happening. It all feels so easy this time that we’re prepared to take full advantage of what seems like the best. timing. ever. for doing a business push.

Or, at least, it seems that way.

Okay, I’ve used up my morning break and if my boss catches me blogging instead of working I might get written up. LMAO But I do have about 15 hours of work to squeeze into the next 8 hours or so.

Hope everyone is having a fabulous hump day!

I still write some freelance stuff and do odds and ends, but it’s the Internet equivalent of working a job that’s so part time the other employees are pretty sure your mom made you take the job to learn responsibility, not because you need a paycheck.

But it’s all the husband’s show now….and he seems to be taking to the stage like a duck to water. Meetings of all sorts – client, potential client, team, and networking – take up extra time here and there that he would normally use to catch up on Mafia Wars.

Okay, I admit it, I don’t think he plays Mafia Wars but you get my point.

Maybe in other families both spouses go after their dream at 100% full speed – even when they have kids – because they’re just so Type A Personality that they don’t have any other option but to do everything to the absolute max. Maybe I have unrealistic expectations.

Recently, though, I realized I like spending time with my kids. They’re pretty cool and I enjoy their company. So if I get to focus on my kids, do household accounting, keep us on our debt snowball, AND help my husband by making great business cards and being secretarial staff and doing an amazing job….why not?

Everything is looking pretty good so far

What kind of a jackass does that?

*points to self*

This kind of jackass, that’s who!

So now, instead of being cheap, we are being frugal in planning a party.

I think i have enough ingredients to make a bunch of cupcakes from scratch, so we won’t have to buy cake mix. I don’t know about making the frosting from scratch and I certainly don’t have the ingredients to make red velvet cake without a trip to the store. Not only for the assload of red food coloring, but for the buttermilk, too.

So after this weekend we’ll be frugal again. Until then? We’ll get by for as little as possible.

On the bright side, I bought my kids’ birthday presents when I bought their Christmas presents. So no present buying needs to occur! Yea!

With that as my bright side, keep me away from the razors, cause it’s kind of bleak when you look closely. Being cheap about a kids’ birthday party is so pathetic.

But everyone will have fun … even if I have to liquor everyone up and spike the punch.

Crap. Should I have punch? LOL

The holiday season saw me spending out of our savings account like it was going to magically regenerate.

Unfortunately, like limbs, savings accounts do not regenerate on their own!

Consider this a public service announcement

Now that we’re done spending – and after finding out how little some people appreciate being showered with gifts – we’re going back to the “poor as dirt” way of living we had gotten so used to living like in the beginning.

What About all those Activities Your Kids are In?

The kids will still stay in dance, gymnastics, and taekwondo – we’re even adding an art class for Sadie that starts ON her birthday! So exciting!

But as much as you would think this is overscheduling the kids, each of those activities only meet for an hour a week (except taekwondo which meets for an hour up to three times a week, parents choose how often the kids go up to the three time a week limit). Add that to the fact that they only to go preschool three times a week three hours a time…they aren’t nearly close to being overscheduled. They have time to play and relax to their hearts content – plus there isn’t something going on EVERY day. They have days off.

So maybe we’re not going totally “beans and rice, rice and beans” because we are keeping the kids in activities. Maybe we’ll have to really look at what they’re in and determine if we’re going to continue all of them.

Blame it on the Baby

Being pregnant made me not care about much, because I felt lousy all the time. Spending money and buying nice things for people (including myself – I have a great wardrobe now!) made me feel better. It made for a great Christmas with all the things to be unwrapped and all the stuff Santa brought the kids was a huge hit. We may have had one kid that I never heard a Merry Christmas or Thank You from, but I’m getting more and more used to making an effort and getting nothing in return in that regard.

So I choose to blame the excessive spending on the baby and being pregnant and wanting everyone around me to be happy. When I’m surrounded by happy people, it brings my mood up, and I needed it!

For those of you wondering how this flies when I had the baby on 9/30 and Christmas wasn’t until 12/25 – I bought most gifts way before the holiday. I still felt like crap for a while after having the baby because of her birth circumstances, but after about six weeks I was much, much better. That’s when I started saying to the husband, “Hey, we have to slow this puppy down before we hit an iceberg!”

So What’s the Long-Term Goal?

Still being debt free. There are a few different business decisions I need to make. I still do marketing, I still write, but after getting my Canon Rebel xsi DSLR camera for Christmas…I’m thinking I can finally take some classes myself to make my favorite photography hobby into maybe a photography business. Not weddings and babies. I hate kids and weddings. But like food pictures, or stock photography, or disaster photography – or even getting a police scanner and getting pictures of the local car wreck.

Whatever. There is a world of possibilities. Maybe Brittany Spears will come to my town and do something hot-mess-style and I’ll get it on camera and make a bajillion dollars. A girl can dream, right? LOL

Everything is about paying off the debt. Our monthly living expenses are crazy-low for having a house and a mortgage.  (Right around $3k) that paying down debt shouldn’t be a problem at all.

And, of course, if it is a problem…you’ll hear about it

I’ll just simplify mine.

Only positive people who will bring me up – and I’ll be positive and bring them up. I’m so over the drama of negative gossip.

We don’t owe family any money so any bitches that talked mad smack about me don’t have a leg to stand on. Also, you can’t bash me for bad parenting when you see my beautiful children and how well my parenting works compared to anyone who is currently raising any children for which mad smack have been talked. My kids are happy and well-adjusted and advanced and smart and funny and awesome.

Basically, my whole friggin’ life is awesome. I have a savings account and all my bills are paid and I have NO credit card debt and no debt to family. My car is paid off, my kids are in dance, gymnastics, and taekwando and an awesome (albeit expensive) preschool.

But, ultimately, the reason this went down the way it did is simple – my husband told me I can’t be friends with you. I’m sure you remember what that’s like, right? Your husband told you the same thing about me years ago. So that’s how it goes, I guess.

I’m a let bygones be bygones kind of girl but my husband reminded me just how horrible what you wrote online made me feel and I’ve come to see that he’s right. No good would come of us being friends again.

What would I do? Make plans with you and you could be a no-call, no-show again? Like you were so many times when we were friends?

I mean, I put up with you refusing to see my children because of your situation and how they made you sad. I bent over backwards for you. My husband reminded me of all this and more.

You know what? He’s right. I have awesome friends with awesome kids and my dance card really is full. I don’t have time for drama or negativity.

But honestly, I don’t have a problem with you personally and I’m sure you have your reasons for why you did what you did…but forgiveness does not mean stick yourself back in a situation where it’s not going to improve your life.

That would be sillyness

Thank goodness I have a smart husband that reminds me that my unlimited capacity for forgiveness doesn’t mean I have to jump back into situations that aren’t good for me!

So just know…I don’t have a problem with you or anyone else. Really. That’s what I said to you on the phone, not that I was uncomfortable with everyone. How could I be? I explained why I didn’t have a problem with anybody. But I guess you didn’t hear that or it didn’t fit in with whatever plans you had for us being friends again.

Well we’re not. So it won’t be a problem now.

I feel a weight off my shoulders like you wouldn’t believe.

That’s when I started to cry, which is probably why I missed what the hell those kids and that couch and that tree were trying to sell me.

I always get emotional in November. I have since my early twenties for reasons I won’t go into here, other than to say something kinda awful happened at the end of September this one time way back in the day. So November has always seen me feeling this weird impending sense of overwhelm and doom – but not really in a negative way – just a world-on-my-shoulders feeling.

I’m explaining this because I think it’s kind of amazing I’ve been able to channel that feeling into a sense of overwhelm at how amazing my family is, and how I want their lives to be this amazing experience. I want to be a good mother that raises soldja girls (Is souldja girl a real term that is used by actual people? If not, screw it, I made up my own term.) that learn from pain and love life to the fullest. Well, maybe not the fullest, but as close to the fullest as possible without needing medication to function.

Somehow, the Walmart commercial sparked that feeling…and now it’s a downhill slide all the way to Christmas. On the bright side it’s more like a slip and slide drenched with the tears of my love.

How awful does that sound? I’m laughing at myself. Say it out loud. “A slip and slide drenched with the tears of my love.”

Classic.

Complained as I bundled up the kids and wished that I could just, you know, do it at home.

But now with a partially completed kitchen renovation and an addiction to Food Network making me wonder if I have the cooking chops to pull it off – I’m nervous. Really, really nervous.

I’ve even been planning emergency maneuvers – just in case.

1. If someone eats a bite of food and makes a face, I’ll tell them the kid spit in that dish. Then it won’t be my cooking that’s to blame. Yes, this is unfair to the children…they’ll have years and years to put me through hell and more than make up for some misplaced blame when they were itty bitty.
2. If something is taking longer than expected to cook, I’ll play a round of “pass the baby” – hopefully that will buy me an extra half hour or so. I just have to make sure the baby is changed and well-fed, because a round of “pass the baby” doesn’t last long at all if the baby is screaming at the top of her lungs, and I’m pretty sure the appetizers I’m making don’t go well with changing a diaper.
3. I may choreograph a routine with the two preschoolers as another time-buying tactic. Maybe a song and dance number. If I have to put glasses next to them to really distract the guests, it’s not beneath me to set my kids up to break a little glass as a distraction. I hear if I make them scream, “Opa!” after they break the glass everyone will think it’s funny and not scary and dangerous.

If you’re hosting Thanksgiving, do you have some distraction ideas lined up in case something goes horribly wrong? Maybe spiking the punch to keep the guests compliant and calm? I thought of that too – but my grams can be a mean drunk so we’re going to keep the booze away from her. (Actually, she’s just not allowed to drink, doctor’s orders…but we tell her it’s because she’s a mean drunk – she thinks it’s hilarious because she knows it’s the doctor but plays along with us.)

Even though I keep making plans on how I’m going to cook the Turkey, we’re really having ham for Thanksgiving. I was thinking about trying the Neely’s Peach Glazed Ham recipe from Food Network.

But maybe I should be making a turkey. I’m just not sure. I have my distractions all planned and the liquor cabinet is stocked (it’s all for me, don’t ask me to share) – if I could get the menu down pat I’d be all set for the holiday!

But hey, it could be worse…we could be hosting Christmas!

Oh, wait…we are.

But even with all the enjoyment and happiness there is this little hint of a feeling inside me. It’s like a churning kind of feeling. The paranoia that comes with not actively working. Sure, I should be working soon…but I’m not right. this. second. and that worries me on a deep level.

It also worries me that I may never be happy being a housewife unless I have some way of bringing in income. This probably comes from my great-grandmother who raised me with a few primary beliefs:

1. Don’t rely on anyone else to take care of you. Marriage is about partnership, but if something happens, you need to be able to take care of yourself and your family solo.
2. Women weren’t meant to sit around taking care of babies. They will never be truly happy unless they can provide for those children with more than hair and makeup and a pleasant attitude to make sure they get fed. (Sounds a lot like #1 now that I write it down – she was an ace at reinforcing her beliefs!)

So I’m trapped in this place where I don’t know if my feelings are my own or if they are just a remnant of my childhood teaching. Great-gramma also taught me that nothing is ever good enough – things can always be improved or done in a better way. So, even if I am taking care of my children and making an income it probably won’t feel like enough.

But how do you recalibrate your soul for the proper definition of “enough”? I don’t see how that’s even possible.

I’m torn. Thrilled to be a great parent to my children, enjoying letting my husband take the lead and letting him support the family…but feeling a serious lack of great businesswoman in the mix.

The laptop in the living room is a start. Now I plan on using it to create something good that will quench the junkie-like craving for money/security that I can’t seem to shake. Sure, I could pick a number and when my savings account gets to that tell myself that’s all the security I need…but that would be so arbitrary (I know there are guidelines – 8 months of income … 6 months of expenses … but how do you REALLY know how much savings is enough?? You can’t!) So I just set the goal higher and higher every time we get to one.

There are worse things to crave than financial security, I guess.

Mostly, my pans are awesome. They were passed down from my husband’s great-grandmother. She bought them with Duncan Hines® stamps or something. The two big pans and the double boiler are great…but the saucepans…oh the saucepans…they’ve been the bane of my marriage. The sides are low and the smallest one fits a can of veggies perfectly, but the handle is so heavy that it won’t stay right on the burner unless you have it juuuust so on the burner. Otherwise you end up with a big veggie mess on your stove.

Now that we’re renovating the kitchen, one of the things on the list to buy are pans. I started looking at sets but there always seemed to be something wrong. Then it dawns on me that the only reason I want a set is because I think it’s the right thing to do. Not the right thing like helping a lost child or calling 911 if someone is getting beat up in an alley. The right thing like how you feel when you watch Martha Stewart and think, “Wow, if I had that serving platter I would have a really awesome dinner party!”

It shows itself on TLC a lot – people renovating and buying homes seem to be really focused on the best way to host a dinner party. Do these people really know enough people to have dinner parties? Is it a requirement if you are on a TLC show to prove you have enough friends to have a dinner party? How many people constitute a dinner party? If you invite one other couple over…is it a party? Do I have enough friends that I should consider them when I buy pans and kitchen supplies? Should I?

These are all the thoughts that go through my head as I try to decide between enameled cast-iron pans and stainless steel. Then, in a moment of clarity, I remember that pans are for cooking. (I know, amazing thought, right?) Pans exist ONLY to cook food. Sure they can also look pretty, but that is secondary to function.

So I decided to throw the idea of a set out the window. My saute pan (the heavy lifter in my kitchen – we even make popcorn in the saute pan!) needs to be stainless steel. I have two stainless steel pans that I can make pasta or soup in, and that’s fine. Do I really need a braiser? Maybe not, but I do need a pan that can go from the burner to the oven if I do want to braise something. That means no plastic knobs – which my Duncan Hines® pans all have. So I could go with a stainless pan – maybe even using the saute pan – or I could go with enameled cast iron for more even heating and less of a chance that there will be overspill on the sides of the pans when I make gravy or sauce from the drippings of the braised meat.

I know pans are kind of a boring topic – but when you buy them you keep them longer than most people keep a car and use them just as (if not more) often! That makes it an important decision – especially considering how much cooking I’ve been doing lately and plan to continue doing from here on out. Homecooked food is just so much better, and it seems to me that it takes just as long to cook as it does to order out and go pick it up. Either that or maybe I’m just brainwashed by Rachel Ray and her 30 Minute Meals.

Or maybe I’m just freaked out and paranoid because I’m hosting Thanksgiving this year and I want everything to be rock-star awesome.

Either way, the pans I get I may very well have until I die (if I buy good ones) so it’s important I make the right decision. Not just buy cool-looking or popular pans.

1. There is a very good chance my 3 year old’s decision to be called Abigail instead of Abby has nothing to do with her being independent and awesome – and far more to do with the fact that the teacher decided she needed to learn how to write her whole name. God forbid we give the little girl a win with a shorter nickname.
2. My 4-year-old is coming home with REALLY similar worksheet pages as my 3-year-old. As in…I’m looking forward to parent-teacher conferences because I am kind of thinking she hasn’t learned jack since she’s been in school.
3. The newsletter stresses that at home parents should work on skills with the kids. Seems like a good idea, right? But the skills we’re supposed to work on are things like identifying and putting on your own coat. Don’t most kids know how to do that BEFORE they’re potty trained?

The bottom line is my kids have fun there and it’s cheaper than a daycare. I get a break for three days a week, three hours each day. But I didn’t pick the learning tree preschool for teachers to tell my children what they should be called and for my pre-kindergartner to keep coming home after she’s learned about the colors. She knows her colors.

I considered putting her into a snotty smarty-kid preschool but then was reminded of the IKEA parent I saw yesterday. He was walking with his 4/5/6 year old boy (one boy, could be any of the three ages) and kept saying, “What’s the opposite? What’s the opposite?” I was by them for like five solid minutes and the dude sounded like a parrot reciting his one line.

I had no idea what the kid was supposed to answer. The opposite of WHAT, you ass? If he told the little kid five minutes ago and kept reciting that question there is no way that poor kid remembered anything other than the mantra being recited over and over and over again. He didn’t answer. I wouldn’t have either. I would like to make it clear I didn’t think the dad was really an ass until we saw him later downstairs and he was teaching his kid to say exSQUEEZE me when he walked by people. I at least understand trying to teach his kid the concept of opposites. Teaching him to have a lame, pathetic sense of humor? Unforgivable. I kind of think child services should be involved at that point – teaching your child to be an outcast with an outdated sense of humor should be considered neglectful and dangerous.

All the kids I’ve seen in gifted programs get there because they know oodles of facts. My girls don’t have facts coming out of their pores because I don’t drill them. They know concepts that blow my mind. They understand addition and subtraction, they understand fractions, they get that parts make a whole. They know that daytime will always come after nighttime. I’m at a loss for the really mind-blowing ones because they happen, I’m amazed, and then we go on with our day.

Maybe it’s best she’s in a play-based preschool. I’d hate for her to know too much going into public Kindergarten. Then she’ll be bored, act out, and suddenly there will be whispers of ADD and Ritalin. (That’s my fear anyway, and goodness knows if I have a fear the public school system will do it’s best to oblige! LOL)

I just don’t want to homeschool. It’s my mantra, like the man saying exsqueeze me in the housewares section of IKEA over and over again thinking it will be funny if he can just get his kid to say it.

I won’t have to homeschool.
I won’t have to homeschool.
I won’t have to homeschool.