Trying Not to Lose it Before I Transfer

I’ve become sketchy lately. Like a heechy-keechy windup girl from that Paolo Bacigalupi book (called, appropriately, The Windup Girl) where every graceful, normal movement becomes something that stops. My thoughts angling and spasming while trying to drive forward in a straight line. My body walking somewhere and then stopping, unsure of the original destination. My breath, shuddering as it escapes my lungs during another reason-unknown sigh.

I’ll be done with classes and ready for transfer on May 17th, but that’s just one class. The other four classes I’ll be done with by May 11th.

I’m very, very bad at endings. The last little bit of time before a goal is completed is when I have to be ever-alert. On my guard for internal forces that will keep me from success. Keep me from the next level.

As six transcripts will show, I start strong and then stop abruptly. I am trying so hard not to do that this time. I have had a few disappointments over the last few months, to be sure, but I cannot pack up my things and retreat. I must work through the pain and the momentary disappointment using the only tools I have – perspective and hope.

I’m waffling over taking Spanish this summer. I’d like to learn more but … I want so much to rest, just for a few moments, just for the summer. But what would I do with that time? Probably nothing terrifically productive – then at the end of summer I would be looking back, wishing I hadn’t quit.

So it will be Spanish, then.

It certainly cannot hurt to know Spanish in my field of work. But I have to actually know it better than I do now to be of any use at all, that is for sure.

But all these thoughs are not the problem, but merely the symptom.

I have to try and remain calm and focused, which are two of my weakest traits. Such a shame, but we are all balanced in our gifts and in our handicaps – mostly. Yes, there are exceptions, feel free to tell me about them, but overall … my genius is balanced by my brittle nature.

It’s okay, I still give the best hugs ever.

The puppy picture is “just because” – no deeper meaning.