Those of you who follow me on the Facebook know I had a death in the family on Saturday.
What you may not know is that it’s making me reconsider blogging. I mean, I don’t want to share how I feel, I don’t even want to talk to anyone. I want to just not be for a while.
If ever there were a time to hang out in one of those sensory deprivation flotation pod things, this would be it. The light is too bright and breathing is too noisy. Laughter scratches at the inside of my brain and crying gives me an instant migraine. All the sensations of everyday life are just too much to bear.
I don’t want to have conversations. I don’t want to be authentic. I don’t want to be transparent.
I want to be invisible.
I want to keep my head down, my mouth shut, and get good grades. I want to find someone who works at the CATO Institute to find out how to work there. I want a career path.
Really, I just want to be normal. What I picture as normal. How I think I’ll look and act and be when I am normal.
Which probably means I should stop getting my diction and conversation training from episodes of the Rachel Zoe Project.
THIS WILL PASS. I STILL REMEMBER HOW IT (YOU) FELT. YOU CAN LET IT BE FOR A FEW, BUT DON’T GET LOST IN IT. HISTORY (MINE)KNOW IT WILL GET EASIER
Just because we both call the sky blue doesn’t mean we’re actually viewing the same color. For all anyone knows my blue may be your pink and since we all learned it as blue it’s what we comprehend as blue but it could be a billion different variations that we don’t even realize because we have labels that make us think what we see is the same for everyone. Just a thought
I went through something similar when my brother passed away a few months ago. I couldn’t decide if I wanted to disappear or if it was the rest of the world that should just go away. I wanted to go back in time to when he and his twin brother were little and I wanted to fast forward to a future where it just didn’t hurt anymore until I realized that future didn’t exist.
I hate when people say “it gets easier” (no offense to Janice) because it doesn’t. The only thing that changes is the amount of time between bouts of crying or the number of hours and days you can go by without it hitting you again.
Right now, for example….just reading your post and writing this has brought me to tears and thinking about him doesn’t hurt any less than it did a week ago or a month ago.
I wish I could just hug you!
Sorry I made you cry April. It’s one of the reasons I keep not wanting to talk about it. How is it helping anyone for me to make others feel bad by expressing feelings that don’t change anything by expressing them? What a mind-f***, right?
Aw hell, you didn’t make me cry. I’ve been an emotional wreck for the past few days anyway and I’ve got one of those ugly cries that’s just dying to get out.
Yeah, it’s a total mind-f**k.
Sorry to hear that, Jen. This is definitely a time to do exactly what feels right to you. That’s all you should be worrying about.
Touching and I offer my sympathy to you and your loved ones.
This will get better.
Unlimited hugs and just sitting with you listening or only in silence, Jen. Sending love, llight and rainbows your way from a relative stranger who feels like we’ve been longtime friends. xo
Your deep sadness is so tangible here… I know this is terribly hard, and I’m sorry its all so inevitable, and constant, and unforgiving.
I’m sending you all the strength, peace, and love I can muster. Sadness is so heavy, and to see it weigh down such an upbeat, and buoyant soul stirs something in me. No one deserves this, but we all survive it, and you will, too.
I’m sending you karmic good stuff, goddess warrior strength, and peace for the quiet moments so you can rest.
Be gentle with yourself, and keep putting one foot in front of the other. I believe in you.
Love,
C
Always do what is best for you. *hugs*
HUGS… no words… just HUGS!!
I miss you. You are loved. I know you don’t want our pity. The only thing I want to give you is my love and friendship. When you are ready, I’ll be here to hang out with you. XXOO
I suck at sentiments and you probably do too… which is why we get along so well
.
{hugs}
~HUG~, yeah, sucks. As someone who knows pain, and knows it really well, I can say a few things. But I won’t say what most folks. We have a way of sounding like idiots at times like these. Yes, I can tell you that the sun WILL shine again, just not today. One day, while never expecting it, you will find yourself with a smile, and for a brief instant, the sun will shine. It may take another few weeks, or months, and it will happen again. You’ll smile like a fool hearing THAT tired old joke that THEY used to love, or a child who is acting in a too familliar way. It only lasts a second, but the healing starts. It will not pay to try to hunt out these moments. They are fleeting and come upon you like a summer storm, and gone just as quickly. One day you’ll wake up not to find your “good ol’ self” but a new self, made better for the journey through hell. Also a self that is better equiped to help others. Not that that sounds so apealing now. Hell, I never wanted to help another person in my life at one time, yet here I am…helping, or trying to help, YOU! Oh, and a li’l BTW: “Normal” is SOOOO over-rated!