New Workspace – New Priorities – Old Stress
Right now I’m blogging from my living room – a huge change from being in my office environment doing office-y type things. I’m trying to find a good balance between getting stuff done and being a good parent. I’ve really enjoyed the past few months where my focus has been a lot more housewife and a lot less breadwinner. My kids get into less trouble, there are fewer murals of crayon love on my walls, and they seem to be bonding with their little sister faster than I could have hoped. There is no jealousy because I’m more available – even with a new baby – than I have been for them in the past couple years. They’re thrilled to have this kind of access to mom, so they don’t notice that a lot of that attention is going to the newborn.
But even with all the enjoyment and happiness there is this little hint of a feeling inside me. It’s like a churning kind of feeling. The paranoia that comes with not actively working. Sure, I should be working soon…but I’m not right. this. second. and that worries me on a deep level.
It also worries me that I may never be happy being a housewife unless I have some way of bringing in income. This probably comes from my great-grandmother who raised me with a few primary beliefs:
- Don’t rely on anyone else to take care of you. Marriage is about partnership, but if something happens, you need to be able to take care of yourself and your family solo.
- Women weren’t meant to sit around taking care of babies. They will never be truly happy unless they can provide for those children with more than hair and makeup and a pleasant attitude to make sure they get fed. (Sounds a lot like #1 now that I write it down – she was an ace at reinforcing her beliefs!)
So I’m trapped in this place where I don’t know if my feelings are my own or if they are just a remnant of my childhood teaching. Great-gramma also taught me that nothing is ever good enough – things can always be improved or done in a better way. So, even if I am taking care of my children and making an income it probably won’t feel like enough.
But how do you recalibrate your soul for the proper definition of “enough”? I don’t see how that’s even possible.
I’m torn. Thrilled to be a great parent to my children, enjoying letting my husband take the lead and letting him support the family…but feeling a serious lack of great businesswoman in the mix.
The laptop in the living room is a start. Now I plan on using it to create something good that will quench the junkie-like craving for money/security that I can’t seem to shake. Sure, I could pick a number and when my savings account gets to that tell myself that’s all the security I need…but that would be so arbitrary (I know there are guidelines – 8 months of income … 6 months of expenses … but how do you REALLY know how much savings is enough?? You can’t!) So I just set the goal higher and higher every time we get to one.
There are worse things to crave than financial security, I guess.
Comments
2 Responses to “New Workspace – New Priorities – Old Stress”
Got something to say?
-
Yep – I’m a Joiner!
VERY profound! I think if you’re working because you fee it helps complete you, that’s great. If it’s because of what great-grandma said… take the time to contemplate what will make YOU happy.
There are other way to get security in a marraige w/o splitting the income 50/50. And other ways to gain financial security. But I feel the same way you do–if I don’t “pay my share” I eel like a slacker.
Dawn´s last blog ..Writing, Editing & Coaching Services
I crave financial security so bad and nothing is ever good enough for me. We’re alright, so I should be grateful, but I don’t want to get comfortable with that. We have an office, but laptops in the living room. That way we can watch little one run around in pure bliss.
Sheena´s last blog ..The Boogie & Popeye Pattern