Letter to My Heart

Dear Heart,

You put up with so much from me. I put you through hell since we were 11 and noticed the neighbor boy skating on his half-pipe in the backyard right outside our window.

Sure we accidentally started "dating" his brother, but you even went with it when our best friend at the time and I decided to just switch the brothers as our "boyfriends." You just said, "Ok" and transferred your feelings easily.

Since we were 11, things have stayed just as crazy and fickle. You’ve always preferred to be racing rather than content. Moody rather than satisfied. You drove me to want more in everything: my relationships, my family, my career, my dreams.

When I took a wrong turn because my brain told me it was for the best, you would ache until I did what was really right for me. Even if it was painful, you always knew that at the end of the day, if you were happy, I was happy.

Yes, I’ve let you lead, but that’s only because when I did not you were loud and brash and made me listen to you. It was only later, years later, I realized you were so insistent because you always had my back. You made sure my best interests were first and foremost. You let me care for others in an open and honest way even though you knew that would get you hurt – a lot.

You took one for the team more times than I could count. You’ve been with me to funerals and we have cried for days wondering if the pain would ever end. Even as I cried and my brain refused to see logic, you always whispered under all the grief, "It will be okay one day, you’ll see." I didn’t believe you…but you were always right.

Thank you for being pushy, for insisting I do the right thing instead of the cunning or easy thing. For making me care about the well-being of others…even if they did not care about me in return.

And most of all, thank you for making it clear when we found the right one. For settling down and not being flighty and giving my brain a chance to catch up with you. You forgave me when my brain couldn’t when we married him, and eventually my brain had to agree with you – he’s perfect for me.

As for kids, well, I understand that it took you a few months to fall in love with those squalling little squishy-faced poo-factories. I had faith in you, and you didn’t let me down. You may have fallen in love slowly, but when you did fall – you fell hard and have yet to stop falling for the beauty, the sparkle, and the overall super-amazingness of our daughters as well as our family as a whole. I always knew the exes were lying when they said you’d always be fickle. I’m so glad we got a chance to prove them dead wrong, even if they’ll never know it.

I know you still ache for our eldest daughter, even though my brain keeps telling you she’s happier and better off where she is. You’ll come around when you see that it was the right thing to do. Someday. (Even if you don’t, it’s okay if you come out of all we’ve been though over the years with only two or three deep scars.)

So that’s it, really. Thank you for keeping me safe, keeping me honest, and keeping me true to myself. Even when I didn’t think it was for the best and fought you tooth and nail.

You always won – and I am so thankful for that.

Love,
Jen

January 31, 2009 | Filed Under mushy stuff | 2 Comments 

The Travel Channel Lied to Me

I’ve been on the crusade to move to another country for about two years now.

By crusade I mean “occasionally dropping hints to my husband that gives me a funny look and I let it go” – because I’m bold like that.

I don’t want to move because I don’t like America. Even though I wish all the people that threaten to move to Canada would have over the years both Democrat and Republican. It’s because I think other countries are quaint and awesome. Where we wouldn’t have a car and we would just walk fifteen minutes to the little grocer where all our veggies would be fresh and locally grown and the meat, who knows, the meat would be sourced from local farms too.

We could live in some small, quaint, european looking flat with a small fridge and big cabinets. The view outside would be of old, not-quite-ruinous buildings that look like they came out of a picture book or museum painting.

There would be fun (non-haggis) local cuisine that we would giggle over, thinking, “How quaint!”

And we’d be rich, because no matter how the dollar is doing I assume it is stronger than all other dollars. Even though I know that is PATENTLY UNTRUE.

Damn you, Euro! Daaaamn Youuuuu!

The Travel Channel has me believing that every European city is quaint, has wonderful festivals, and all the kids are clean and well-behaved. Yes, I know this is impossible – really – humans are humans the world around – but maybe it’s just that I want to think that if I moved to somewhere else I’d fit in better.

What? You’re surprised to hear I don’t fit in that well with the suburbanites?

I do fit in, as long as I’m only 30% Jen by volume. They can’t handle the stronger stuff.

But neither could anyone else, probably. The issue is me and who I am, not the suburb or country I live in.

The issue with my budget would not be improved by moving to a third-world country any more than it would be improved by living in Arkansas or some other rural place where stuff is cheap and farms are plentiful.

Plus if we have an emergency we live in a county that offers free health care if you’re destitute and sliding-scale health care if you’re not destitute. If we moved, we probably wouldn’t even have that.

I think the Travel Channel needs to stop teasing me with how green the grass is in other countries. Because I bet they’re not much better than this one – and in some cases they’d be so much worse.

January 30, 2009 | Filed Under The Everything Basket | 1 Comment 

New Posts at Bad Mommy Blogger

Gearing up for launch on Feb. 2nd, Bad Mommy Blogger is picking up steam.

And just WAIT till you see the giveaways for launch day – especially the one scored by Suburban Oblivion. Whooooee!

Two new entries (by me) over at BMB

My Teenage Self Would Adore Me!

American Idol Contestants: WHY?

Plus I get to find someplace on my site to put this cool new badge.

officialbmb

January 30, 2009 | Filed Under Blogging | Leave a Comment 

Poor Little Web Celebrity Got Beat Up (but the blogger promptly kissed ass and tucked tail)

I don’t subscribe to Jason Calcanis’ email list.

It’s nothing personal, I’m just kind of focused when it comes to what I do online. I’m not a celebrity-hound and I’m not going to try harder to talk to someone on Twitter with 20,000 followers than I would try to talk to someone with 100 followers. I’m interested in people, not Joint Venture Partners, so the numbers aren’t really what I’m about.

Do I feel cool because Coldplay and Snoop Dogg followed me back on Twitter? Yes! Does it actually make me cool that these people followed me back? No. (That was me doing my “are you a celebrity whore” litmus test for you.)

But…I still was able to read Jason’s last email to his list of twelve-thousand e-newsletter subscribers in my inbox. Because it was sent to me by someone else…on another email list that I do subscribe to.

You can read it here: We Live in Public (and the end of empathy)

It seems the person who sent it to me felt what Jason said was deep. It kind of was and here is my super-edited somewhat-snarky version:

  • He talked about an indie film that his friend made
  • He slept on a sidewalk to buy tix for the indie film his friend made
  • There were references to an artist that had a compound and there were drugs and guns so he didn’t live in the compound of pods
  • People on the interwebz r mean
  • People on the interwebz r meaner to celebrities
  • Bloggers are big, ginormous pussies and back down immediately when they see him in person after talking mad smack about him online

It seems people would talk mad smack about Jason and then be all, “I didn’t mean it” to his face. They used the excuse of getting more blog traffic. (Jason then inserts a witty barb about the dying CNET brand, because he’s just sharing a story and not using the medium to strike back…oh wait…yes he is…moving on…)

Again, I should have never seen this email but I’m subscribed to someone else’s email list that thought this whole thing about Internet Asperger’s Syndrome (way to own the autism and take even an ounce of focus away from those really suffering on the spectrum!) and how people on the webz r mean because they can be and they lose basic social function is, you know, bad. And by calling it AUTISTIC makes it sound like it’s NOT NORMAL. (No offense to the parents of autistic kids but you see where I’m coming from, right?)

I spent most of the email waiting for it to make sense. It never really did. Well it made sense, except for the cognitive dissidence portion where he thought he was special and blamed it on the bloggers instead of the real problem – creating a pedestal for himself – pedestals make you a target and always have.

Here are my Internet-nobody-type-thoughts on the email:

  1. Early adopters are generally geeks and nerds who don’t have social skills anyway (myself included) and because of all the bullying we put up with as kids don’t have a buttload of pity to be handing out to dirty hippies in basement compounds with drugs and guns.
  2. The people on the Internet that weren’t nerds or weird still have no social skills because 90% of humans have shitty social skills. The rest are salesmen. There’s some half a percent that are totally unique and I’m sure that’s where you fall, fear not, oh desirer of uniqueness!
  3. Celebrities have been getting attacked and laughed at and picked apart since there were celebrities. Hell, it could be argued that the first real celebrity was Jesus – look what happened to him!
  4. There is no such thing now, nor will there ever be, nor should there ever be a real condition called Internet Asperger’s Syndrome. Autistic kids and adults have enough to cope with without an Internet marketer stealing a term and co-opting it for the masses of smart, snarky, early adopters (and bloggers) to use as a crutch.
  5. I’ve actually talked to the person that this email came from about how his/her business focus. It seems more and more Internet marketing and less relationship over the last year. There are launches and products and e-books, oh my. But when the Stompernet recommendation came I knew s/he’d fallen to the dark side and I didn’t need to talk shit about it on my blog because it doesn’t matter. Unless you’re a business writer or something pertains to your business or you’re helping small businesses….who cares? I told him/her – privately – of my concern. Not because I’m superwoman and want to save the world, but because I don’t want to have to feel bad later.
  6. But you bet your cute ass if I had said something about it publicly I would have owned it, because I’m not a blogging pussy.
  7. I’ve been attacked on the Chicago Tribune website pretty hardcore on a front-page story and they have a pretty good readership, so I know of what I speak with the slings and arrows of being in front of a crowd that does not know you and is thirsty for new blood to drink. It’s why I don’t go for the glitzy publicity all the time. You can’t build a thick skin overnight.
  8. Internet, television, phone, magazine, red carpet, backyard, barbeque, school, cult, mecca, whatever – People are still people and are not any nicer, prettier, or shinier on the Internet than they are in real life. They’re still people. It’s still society. It’s just society in your living room on your computer. People are not their “true selves” on the Internet. They are what they are perceived to be. Perception becomes truth and god forbid you go against your own good press.
  9. No, really. Don’t believe me? I Can Haz Cheezburger. Need I say more about society on the Internet?

My form of the “pity virus” is that I basically have zero pity. It’s just not an emotion that’s in me. If I know you personally and know your backstory I can muster up some empathy…but yeah, pity isn’t my thing.

So, to see a celebrity – internet or otherwise – go all Brittany Spears and try to sound logical and dramatic while fighting back at the injustices of people that hide behind cameras…oh wait, I mean computers…and write nasty things (you know, like reporters, but TOTALLY different because it’s the WEB people!) – oh hell, I don’t even know where this paragraph was going.

But I’m pretty sure I could get a doctorate in something by dissecting the email for real, because this was all just off the top of my head. The thing is, this is not an attack on Jason Calcanis – the person. It can’t be because I don’t know him. At all. Nor did I want to be on his email list. I have nothing against him. I don’t use Mahalo but know people that write for Mahalo and they pay on time – so my opinion is actually skewed slightly positive if anything.

But for him to send out this email and for people to…you know…just accept it as truth. To believe it. To really think this is somehow different than regular, everyday TMZ-type celebrity bashing. Different enough that it ended up in my strictly no-Internet-marketing inbox...blows my mind.

Why doesn’t everyone get that we’re all here in the same fucking playground we’ve always been in. We’re all just ADULTS now so the perspective makes it seem shiny and new and undiscovered. The playground equipment may seem smaller and safer and friendlier, but it’s just as dangerous as it’s always been.

January 28, 2009 | Filed Under Blogging | 3 Comments 

Doctor Appointment Tomorrow – Yea?

It’s going to be a quick in and out – I need the appointment to fill out some paperwork that was due today, but I made the appointment for tomorrow weeks ago so I don’t know how I could have gotten in to see a doctor sooner.

Whatever. The lack of health insurance is the only thing that I can’t seem to just get okay with. I’m really angry about not having health insurance. I mean, what’s the point? Who am I angry at? The health insurance fairy?

Exactly. There’s no one to be angry at. Because I live in the best county in best state in the US to be uninsured in (I’m pretty sure.)

But I still want my little blue and white card that showed I belonged and deserved to be treated well. In case you didn’t know, that’s what the insurance card really gets you. Healthcare without judgement. Or with a hell of a lot less.

So I’ll be nervous until it’s over and I send the fax to the state people and find out if they are going to do what they should have been doing from the beginning.

Gah.

I’m going to listen to my Hedwig and the Angry Inch soundtrack, drink some Sleepytime Tea, and chill the hell out. I’m tired of being stressed and overwhelmed. I deserve a little hardcore relaxation.

January 26, 2009 | Filed Under The Everything Basket | 1 Comment 

On Being Profane and Finding Your Voice

Over at Bad Mommy Bloggers, where I can post with profanity all I want, I put up my first post yesterday and felt a load lift off of my shoulders.

See, for some reason, on this blog, I feel weird about using profanity. I feel like I haven’t found my voice yet. Not quite. That could be a client access to the blog issue, or it could be that I’m just chicken.

But that’s all about to change.

I’m not going to start cussing like a drunk sailor or anything, but I am going to just say what I’m thinking. If I lose every reader I have, so be it.

Why do you blog?

I blog because I want my grandchildren and their grandchildren to know what my life was like. We’re on the tail end of our struggling and when we’re in our fifties and our kids are in their thirties they aren’t going to believe us when we say how we struggled, how tough it was in the beginning, how long it took before my husband and I really found where we belonged within our marriage.

They will only see the results. I know this because I can’t picture my great-grandmother struggling and putting nickels in envelopes during the depression, no matter how many times she tells me the story. All I saw was my great-grandmother sitting pretty on a pile of cash and I thought she didn’t understand my 20-something struggle to pay rent. How could she? Her house was paid off!

Maybe having a documented chronicle will help my kids feel less alone in the world with this knowledge. Maybe my grandkids will think I’m a cool grandma. Maybe, maybe, maybe…maybe nothing. But I’m not blogging for popularity or profit (even though I love being loved as much as anyone) so I shouldn’t worry as much about my voice as I do.

Why It’s Going to Change

I’m not telling you. What I will tell you is that what little bit of filter I had is about to be gone with the wind. I’m not going to be able to stop it, so the least I can do is warn you. I’m a giver like that.

But, you will be comforted to know, I won’t cuss. I have an outlet for that and I’ll try to use my big-girl words here and keep my potty-mouth in check.

On the other hand, I’ve been told that I’m at my funniest when I have no filter. So…let me know if you notice a difference over the coming weeks.

January 24, 2009 | Filed Under Family | 1 Comment 

Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired

I have too much stuff to do to still be rocking the sick and tiredness.

My weird, deep fear is that I will never feel ok again. Do you ever feel that way? You’re sick for more than a week and that little voice creeps in through the back of your mind and it’s all, "You know, maybe this is the new normal. Better learn to live with it."

Then I remind myself that colds don’t last forever and try to take comfort in that knowledge.

Most of what I have to do today is blogging. Fun, right? I happen to be a big fan of blogging, love it. I have to finish the four part series called "How to Stop a Downward Spiral" on Financial Bliss – then I get to write my very first post for The Bad Mommy Bloggers (which should be an absolute hoot…HOOT I tell you.)

But now I’m done. I’m going to hold steady. I’m full up with clients and blog networks to contribute to. I have no idea how I’m going to market the book when the very-super-duper-final draft comes in from Lulu. With the index. Yes, friends, my business book has a real, live index. It’s like it’s all growed-up now.

I do have some real writing work to do, and I’m a little nervous about the scope. See, I’m feeling a little better but in no way am I fit to write anything professional. I just, you know, can’t keep the train of thought on track. I’ll be two sentences in and see something shiny and it’s all over – I’m into the shiny thing (most of the shiny things I find are on Twitter.) So working is kind of an "at my own risk" scenario.

But it has to get done. I keep trying to ask myself, what would @Havi do (her free report that you get when you sign up for her newsletter cured my addiction to checking email in less than 30 seconds, fyi) but keep coming up short. I think it would sound something like this:

Why are you afraid to stop working? Now take that fear and own it, don’t try to work through it because you can’t always work through the fear. Now, talk to your body and see what it wants – because if you’re not right in your body you’re not going to be right in your work. Allow yourself a chance to relax and then come back and see if you feel better enough to work. If it makes you feel better, give it a time limit. "I will rest for an hour and see if I’m feeling better." Then work through that until you feel better enough to work, or realize you’re too sick to keep going. Allow yourself a day off, or find someone to delegate to.

Since I’m not her, or her duck, I’m sure it doesn’t sound as super-cool as it would if she wrote it (she is much better at making up words than I am) but my guess is…that’s the gist of it.

I could be wrong, I don’t actually know Havi at all. Just read the blog and the special report. So I have a pretty one-dimensional view into her business. You should go check out her Twitter page and her website – she’s pretty cool.

January 23, 2009 | Filed Under The Everything Basket | Leave a Comment 

Overpromise and Underdeliver!

I hope you picked up on the humor in the title – I’m not going to give you permission to go out and be the bad business owner and just point and blame it on me.

On the other hand, I’m going to share with you a problem I have and maybe you have some business-advice mojo you can throw at me.

I totally overpromised and underdelivered. But! I did it because I could not predict that I was going to be so sick I couldn’t think – hell, I could barely breathe – and I promised to do this cool creative thing for this company I am loving working for.

So I countered with a change in the deadline and an excuse. It’s a true excuse and has to do with why I can’t just pop some DayQuil and get the hell over the sickness and work for goodness’ sake. But it still felt icky telling someone that what I said, that they believed, is untrue.

I know that the person I talked to isn’t mad or disappointed. I talked to her on the phone yesterday and she was amazed I was able to have a conversation at all the way I sounded. So….she knew I was really sick (no mental health days over here) and knew I was trying my best – what should I have done differently to underpromise and overdeliver?

Should I have said

  • “I’m really sick so I’ll have that for you when I feel better.”
  • “This shouldn’t last much longer, so I’ll have it for you by Friday.”
  • “Waaaaah I’m sick go away!” (pretty sure this is NOT the right answer.)

I want to say the right answer was to make the deadline, but I promise it wasn’t hookers and coke that kept me away. It was my desire to sleep and heal my body that happened in my office chair, then on the couch, and finally in my bed. Sleep was going to happen, whether I wanted it to or not. I needed it.

Looking forward to hearing your smartie-pants advice.

Updated: I just talked to the project manager and she was kind enough to remind me that even though they are in EST it is still ten minutes till noon CST (my time zone) – so I technically came in under my own deadline by ten minutes. Gosh I work with some awesome people.

January 21, 2009 | Filed Under The Everything Basket | 4 Comments 

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