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Yep – I’m a Joiner!
Scared of My Own Budget (as opposed to my shadow I guess)
I went from creating the December budget at the end of November with glee and hope to not opening Excel at all for the last two weeks.
Here’s the weird part: I’m pretty sure we’re going to be just fine.
But the logic of knowing that does not stop my pulse from racing when I look at my legal pad and think, "I need to get the numbers down on paper to see what’s going on." I get panicky when I think about updating my budget. I feel a little faint when I click that start button on my PC to scroll and open a program when I see the Excel icon from the corner of my eye. Add all that fear and weirdness to the fact that we’re not even a full month behind on any one bill and you have a totally messed up situation I’ve created exclusively in my mind.
If you had asked me a month ago if I could go back to sticking my head in the sand and just not paying attention to my finances after being so meticulous all year I would have laughed at you. Of course I wouldn’t abandon my habits and focus so quickly after one bad thing happening, right?
Uh huh….sure.
But today is the day that ends. I’m going to take a pen and my legal pad and I’m going to figure it out. I want to know what is going on in my own life, in my bank account, on my budget.
Because the alternative is to ignore it forever, and that won’t get us anywhere but straight back to broke. I’m not going back there. You can bet on it.
I just wish it would be January already so I could do my taxes and know how much of a refund we’ll be getting. It would make budgeting much easier and less stressful…but procrastination doesn’t get me anywhere but disappointed so I’m going to do it now and revamp when tax time comes.
If an emergency happens do you hide from your budget? Or are you a total rock star that powers through the problem and just gets to the other side?
A 24-hour Bug in more ways than one (plus I was cyberbullied, go figure)
We are all better today…and now have more work to do than I even want to think about.
But I started already and so did Randy. We’re on track to finishing this and having next week to basically chill out and plan for 2009.
It’s going to be a good week. I can feel it in mah bones!
Oh, I was also cyberbullied this past week. A family member (because no one hates like family) decided to slander/libel my happy butt on the Tribune page – because don’t think of why I would do a story for the newspaper or anything..just hate me for being on the front page.
It’s okay – at first I was angry because I knew who it was (they weren’t smart enough to know that the Trib reads your ip address when you post and it tells the town you’re in, DUH) and then I was confused because I know their secrets and it would be silly to be so ignorant to me online when I know what the FBI would like to…
…and then I realized that if they were so mad and hateful and spiteful they disregarded all the ways I could ruin their lives (crappy as they may be) to call me white trash (among other things) online…well…they’re doing even worse than I thought.
They can drag tidbits of my life out into the comments section of the Trib completely disregarding context all they want, because I’m going to go back to doing what I was doing before they came on my radar….
…which is not think about them at all. What’s the point? We’re doing better than them even with Randy getting laid off. No shopaholics in this family, no coke addicts, no weed dealers, no alcoholics, no codependent Lifetime movies waiting to happen.
At least I’m classy enough to keep my stepdaughter’s life off of the Internet. Too bad they don’t have the same respect for family and privacy that I do that they would use her as a weapon against me.
The irony is that she is the one who stopped talking to me. After being infertile for a few years and being "unable to look at my kids because they made her sad" she got pregnant. With twins. I went to the hospital with her when she had light bleeding because no one else would….
…come 14 weeks and her second trimester she disappeared. All her real friends (that didn’t want to listen to her talk about her infertility ad nauseam like I was willing to) now wanted to hear about her pregnancy. So she ditched me and never called again…
I was mad at first – but then realized there would come a time when she wished she was still my friend and family member. Since most of the comments on the Trib site were made at 10pm on Christmas Day I would say that day has come and gone. Because guilt makes you more hateful than any other emotion. It eats you up inside until you need to turn around and lash out.
While she was writing hateful things on Christmas night, I was laying on my grandma nana’s daybed with my legs on her and she was petting the tops of my feet and telling Sadie to stick stickers on the tops of my feet and we were laughing.
I don’t need to retaliate – I win by having a great life every day.
Family Under the Weather
Randy kept me up most of last night – he’s sick.
When he’s up…I’m up.
This morning little Abby woke up making awful retching sounds.
It is going to be an interesting day with Randy and Abby sick.
Me? I’m not sick but Randy kept waking me up unintentionally and when he didn’t the thunderstorm of freaking doom did. Simultaneous thunder and lightning both loud enough and bright enough to wake me up from a sound sleep.
So…the kids will be having peanut butter cookies for breakfast. I’m too tired to throw together real food and they’ll be excited because it’s a treat.
On the bright side J & D came over last night for an impromptu board game night. It was really fun!
Update: I hit “Publish” on this post and heard more awful retching noises from the living room. Guess Sadie is sick too. It’s going to be a VERY interesting day. *sigh*
Christmas Was Good (thank goodness it’s over)
I think my favorite part of Christmas this year was realizing that my absolute favorite part of Christmas is the car ride to my grandparent’s house.
The rushing and getting ready is over and you’re driving to your destination.
In those moments everything is perfect. The ham hasn’t been burned, none of the family has had too much to drink, and everyone is happy. The moments of driving are the perfection of anticipation. The pause in the space-time continuum where everything could be perfect. The perfect Christmas really and truly could happen.
Realizing this at the beginning of our drive to gramma’s let me enjoy the trip that much more because I chose not to think about what would be at grandmother’s house once we got there and everything started on its inevitable course.
Really, that drive was perfect. Filled with all of us singing carols and laughing. Seriously joyful.
Once there I forgot to eat anything because I spent all evening with my great-grandmother. Feeding her, keeping her from breaking things she would try to push out of the way to get to a hallucination she was trying to grab…the orgy of present opening that always makes my nana-gramma mad because she wants everyone to have a gift and then open them one by one so everyone can ooh and aah over each individual gift. (It takes HOURS)
The coffee the pie the relaxing the laughing.
It was a lovely holiday – there will never be another like it – because I’m pretty sure we’ll have one less member of the family come next Christmas…but it was as good as it could possibly be this year and for that I am happy and thankful and thrilled.
….and tired and exhausted and so glad its over.
Isn’t that how it’s supposed to be?
Christmas When It Isn’t Easy (but really is)
So many things seemed to go wrong all at once, and you know what, I say to hell with it.
I’m not going to be afraid of the next thing that could happen.
I am a really lucky woman and need to stop having the biggest pity party ever just because some things didn’t go my way.
Because Christmas isn’t about presents or money or stuff at all.
It’s about hope and love and family – all of which I have in abundance. I don’t need a big family, I have a functional family that spent the evening frosting cookies in different colors…and they look fantastic if I do say so myself. *grin*
Christmas Day we will go spend it with my crazy off-the-wall daytime drama of a family that calls itself dysfunctional but is more functional than 90% of the middle to upper class families I’ve been part of or visited. Because we have love.
I’ve had money and I’ve been poor (Heck, I’ve been homeless LOL) and fortunes change fast and things happen quickly and I’ll be ready for them. As ready as I can be.
My sixth wedding anniversary is coming up and I can’t imagine being married to anyone else. We argue and bicker – but there is so much love it’s really kind of nauseating.
As long as I have love in my life, I will have hope in my heart, and as long as I have hope in my heart and a brain in my head…there will always, eventually, be money again.
Merry Christmas. I’m done being a whiner. WooHOO!
I Think the Worst is Over
This may be a premature judgement, but I think maybe I might be turning a corner.
Because in case you haven’t noticed, I’ve felt just a wee bit put upon over the last couple weeks.
I fought it, and I had a few great talks including one where I was asked if I was a coach.
I’ll wait for you to stop laughing.
But yeah, it got a little dark in my head for a little bit. It’s not light and bright by any means…but it’s not so bad. I smiled today, and that’s a start.
Then Pandora came though and played a song I haven’t heard in years and years and was like a band aid on my brain…or my heart…whatever.
You’ve got so much to do and only so many hours in a day
But you know that when the truth is told..
That you can get what you want or you just get old
You’re gonna kick off before you even get halfway through
When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?Slow down, you’re doing fine
You can’t be everything you want to be before your time
Although it’s so romantic on the borderline tonightToo bad but it’s the life you lead
you’re so ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need
Though you can see when you’re wrong, you know
You can’t always see when you’re right.You’ve got your passion, you’ve got your pride
but don’t you know that only fools are satisfied?
Dream on, but don’t imagine they’ll all come true
When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?Slow down, you crazy child
take the phone off the hook and disappear for awhile
it’s all right, you can afford to lose a day or two
When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?
You can make fun of Billy Joel until the cows come home, but I think this excerpt is a prime example of why I love his music. Especially the early stuff like Captain Jack and The Entertainer and, of course, Vienna.
So I’m a little less sad and a little more healed.
It’s a hell of a start.
Oh, and I highly recommend all you workaholics and overstressed divas out there give this song a listen. It’s really worth it. You can probably find it on last.fm. As a matter of fact, you can hear it there if you click this link.
Unless you hate Billy Joel songs, in which case, I’m sure you will hate this one too, because it has a lot of ooh-ing in it. That’s quintessential Billy Joel.
I also actually got some work done. Because guess what? Not only does being in a dark place completely fritz my brain out and make me avoid friends and family….it makes me incapable of doing work. Which, you know, is a totally perfect response to my husband getting laid off. *laugh*
But I worked, so that stress of needing to work and being unable to has passed. It was a bigger hurdle than I’d like to admit.
I promise my next entry won’t suck. …as much…
Chicago Tribune Photographer Spotted
You may have seen me complain on Twitter this morning that there was supposed to be a photographer over to my house this morning at 10am to do a photo shoot for an article running next week.
When I called the assignment desk at 10:30am they hadn’t scheduled anyone yet and put me on the schedule for 2pm.
Doesn’t seem like a big deal until you take into consideration Randy and I spent the morning arguing over what was the most important thing to clean. The kids, the kitchen, me, or him.
We all got done at 10:01am so were kind of flustered when we managed to be ready but they weren’t.
By 2pm I was back in my non-matching pajamas (still in makeup, I looked adorable) the kids were in various states of half-dress and Randy…well…he was still ready. I answered the door and immediately ushered the kids back to the bedroom to get re-dressed and put myself together.
We did the shoot and laughed a lot and the kids made friends with Jason the amazingly low-key, mellow photographer. After he was done taking pictures we talked about the state of the Chicago Tribune, great reads, and his trip to Africa to visit a super-secret American military base.
Because let me tell you, listening to a professional photographer telling you the story of seeing the door-to-door recruiters for Al Qaeda (and how the American military didn’t notice them) in Africa while sitting on a chair in my living room is a surreal feeling. I mean, there are now molecules from Africa in my house. So cool.
I was sorry I didn’t ask for a business card or some way to keep in touch, but other than him being phenomenally interesting and me being, well, me….what would I contact him for?
It’s a shame because I think my husband and I liked him as much as the kids did. That’s saying a lot.
Also, I think the Tribune needs to hire me to do a weekly column, stat. That impartial journalism stuff is boring and I think I could help give the Chicago Tribune the kick in the pants it needs to keep people entertained and get a different perspective on people and their experiences.
It would be a hit.
Chicago Tribune, if you’re reading, email me. I’m serious. I’d be a great columnist.
When I Couldn’t Sleep (or Loneliness and Reflections on Christmas Past)
Last night I couldn’t fall asleep.
It was nice because I was relaxed and just enjoyed being under my covers, snuggled and warm.
…and it was quiet.
At some point I fell asleep and basically relived a summer in my life. Or a year. I’m never quite sure.
It was the apartment where I loved the boy that lived downstairs and adored the one upstairs. We were like a family and we all hung out and drank beer and wine and were poor and young and stupid and philosophical and brilliant.
Some of the most memorable (both good and bad) events of my life happened there. More than enough for a memoir if I ever wanted to write one. It would be readable in that way that makes you wonder if it could possibly be real. You might even check the front pages again for the "based on a true story" disclaimer you felt had to be there.
I woke up feeling like if my chickens ever came home to roost the least of my problems would be a heater and a windshield.
In retrospect I understand things about feelings and situations that I didn’t know then. If I had, there might be one less dead person and my life would look completely different now.
Of course, I love my life now. Well not today, but in general. I hate the fact that my toddlers make constant noise and I wish they could just shutUP now and then but then I get that moment – and they are quiet and they smile at me – and the whole world lights up.
So I can only feel so bad about the long-past misunderstandings and the broken glass and the tantrums and the Christmas morning that found a boy sleeping next to me and one sitting in the living room staring at the tree way back in the day.
Yeah, that was an awkward Christmas.
Now, fast-forward fifteen years to find out that my mother-in-law hadn’t even considered spending Christmas with us (because she has the granddaughter she wanted, mine are like…afterthoughts) and I wonder what is so wrong with us, my little family unit, that we were forgotten for Christmas.
My family is still around, but they aren’t morning people and Christmas morning with Randy’s family was always about breakfast and the tree and presents and pajamas. It was enjoyable. I even offered to have them over here so she wouldn’t have to worry about cleaning or cooking. But she has plans. With her dad. I get that, and respect that she’s taking care of her father so well – but she has to check with him if he wants to see us on Christmas.
I would rather she just said she hadn’t thought of us for Christmas and let us stay cozy and warm in the house. I don’t want to impose on someone for Christmas.
Maybe this is just the normal pain of transitioning to being the adults that host Christmas from the children and grandchildren that visit others’ homes for the holidays. This could just be G-d’s way of saying, "Hey Jen, it’s time to learn how to make your own damn hash-brown casserole."
It’s just…my family has always been old and I thought that Randy having such a big family…I really thought I was buffering myself from losing everyone so, you know, fast.
I never thought I’d be part of that family that spent Christmas morning alone, just the four of us. I thought we’d be part of something bigger. Something special and full of family and loud and boisterous and close.
If only I could shake the nagging feeling that it’s my fault this is happening. That I did something to deny my kids a grandparent that might be alive to get to a wedding or graduation.
Maybe I’ve had all this coming all along. From the heater to the struggle to the budget to the windshield. For being selfish, for being unobservant, for being ignorant and thinking that I couldn’t possibly be pretty or charming or loveable enough to really be able to break someone’s heart. Not that bad.
Or maybe it’s just how things are happening for no other reason than circumstance and chance. Maybe this has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with a butterfly flapping its wings somewhere in Thailand four years ago.
But you try explaining your husband’s layoff to your mother-in-law without getting off the phone feeling like you somehow fundamentally screwed up somewhere along the line. Or maybe I’m not smart enough or caring enough to put up with other people’s foibles and should be alone with my family. Hell, I could be using my past as nothing more than an excuse to hide out in my house and work here and pretend that I’m doing the best I can. When, really, maybe I could be doing so much more with my life and my days and my kids and my family.
I just don’t know anymore.
