My Mother Raised Me to be a Lion
Warning: There is some really personal stuff in this post about my relationship with my mother. It is part of who I am, and what makes me…you know..me. If you know me in person, or are a business associate, you might want to skip this one.
So my mom called this morning.
I don’t talk about my mom a whole lot, I know, and there’s a reason for that.
Until recently I kind of kept her under wraps in case something went horribly wrong. You see, I didn’t talk to my mom for about ten years. From when I was 14 until, wow, it had to be my wedding in 2003. That’s fourteen years, my bad. I round down to ten because that’s more than dramatic enough for not talking to a parent.
But, you see, my mom wasn’t doing too well during that fourteen-year period. Neither was I.
So recently when we began really talking again, it was nice having her back. Because she’s back like she was when I was 10. Not perfect by any means, but you know, a totally passing version of sane.
Being able to talk to my mom once a week has done wonders for that small part of my heart that had been broken for a long time. Sometimes I forget to appreciate that I have a mom and a mom that will talk to me and understand my life and CARE about me. Because to the rest of my family I’m “the strong one” – you know, the one that’s always fine so you don’t really have to put out and help her emotionally or in any other way because “she always comes out fine on the other end of a situation” – which doesn’t really help me for crap during a situation.
I’ll never have memories of my mom whispering her dreams for me at night before I fall asleep. I’ll never have fun memories of going to lunch and shopping for back-to-school. I won’t even have memories of shopping for a prom dress (or whatever memories y’all with non-crazy moms have.)
But what I do have is:
- The memory of my mom beating the crap out of a kid that tried to do a Very Bad Thing™ to me when we lived with their family. We ended up having to live in the car for a few months after that because, yeah, you don’t end up living where you smacked around someone else’s kid, but I was okay with that.
- When we did live in the car, I remember my mom always making sure I got fed first.
- My mom yelling at a teacher because I wasn’t allowed to go on a field trip for unclear reasons.
- The logic my mom gave me when someone stole my Strawberry Shortcake bag in fourth grade. She said, “Well we had your name on it in black marker. How is she going to get that off? Just keep your eye out and when you see her with it, take your damn bag back.” When I saw the girl the next day with my bag (my name in black marker had been crossed off with red pen, not very effective) I took it, dumped her stuff out of it onto the ground and walked away. I shook for hours after the incident, but it was the first time in my life I’d stood up for myself.
- The memory of my mom beating my stepfather with an iron skillet. There was still blood on the floor the next morning. I’ve never had a clearer indication of how much my mother loved me than those blood splatters.
- My mom saying, “If you don’t act poor, people won’t know you are. People are more likely to help you out if they think you’ve always had money but hit a rough patch. If you act poor, people think you are poor and they assume you did something to deserve it.”
- Or, my favorite saying, “You’re lucky you were born in America. With that mouth you’d get killed in other countries faster than you could sneeze.” That was how my mom taught me to love my country and understand freedom of speech! LOL
I also have her heartfelt apology for things that happened when I was young. Thankfully, I didn’t get that apology until I was old enough to understand what it meant. Now that I have toddlers, I understand what she was going through. The difference? I’m 33 with a 2 and 3 year old. My mom was 22 when I was three. When my brother and sister were 2 and 3 she was 33, but she had an 11 year old too. I can’t even imagine. The irony is that she, too, had the never-ending problem with finding babysitters.
When I think about the choices I make every day, I realize my mother taught me so much more than I thought she did when I was younger. I think every child feels that way at some point, when you have the perspective to realize what your mom’s intent was when she was parenting. I know people say the road to hell is paved with good intentions, but you know what, I don’t believe it. Intentions are some of the most important things in the world, and if you don’t take them into consideration you’re left with the end justifying the means.
Mama lions are rough with their cubs. If you watch the discovery channel, you’ll see them nip and toss and push their cubs without regard to how the cubs feel at the time. That’s how they grow into lions. Sure, I don’t parent my kids the way my mom did – but my intentions are the same. I want my children to be independent, caring kids that see the truth in the world instead of the veneer everyone puts over it in order to get through the day.
My mother taught me to see the world in all its horribleness and confusion and still be taken aback by the beauty.
That is what my mother gave me. An independent spirit, the drive to be the best, the knowledge that no victory is hollow, and the understanding that people are not defined by their socio-economic status. You can be better than where you came from. So much better, in fact, that people will assume you’ve always been middle class.
You know what? She was right. I had an ex (during an argument) say to me once, “You’re just a middle class princess that doesn’t know anything. You’ve never known what it’s like to really struggle. You don’t know what real pain is.” That was the moment when I realized my mom was right, and I had become the daughter she’d always wanted.
I am not a victim.
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10 Responses to “My Mother Raised Me to be a Lion”
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I am glad your mom has come back into your life.
Jennis last blog post..Blog-Keeping: Awards!!!!
WOW lady, that is powerful stuff. Thanks for sharing.
Violet The Verboses last blog post..Too Much Time On Hands, or Art? You Be The Judge.
@Jenni Aw thanks. I’m glad she is too. It’s always interesting!
@Violet - After I’m done being absolutely dumbstruck you left a comment on my post (because I’m a fan and stuff, in case you didn’t know) and get my jaw all off the floor and whatnot, it will just fall again.
Seems talking about the stuff *I* want to talk about really is the way to go. I get comments here and e-mails and DMs on Twitter galore.
Who knew I could go a little farther on the transparency scale and no one got hurt! Yea!
Nope, not a victim at all — a warrior and in the best sense of the word. Anyhoo, I just wanted you to know that I enjoy your blog so much I just passed an award on to you. http://apronstringsandangst.com/i-heart-bloggy-love-two-awards/
Willows last blog post..I Heart Bloggy Love! TWO Awards!
After all the twitter buzz I had to come and see what it was about. I think you walked the transparency line most deftly. Okay, I can see why you were a little uneasy about how readers would react–I would have been too. But, really, I don’t think you can ever go wrong saying “this is where I came from and I’m okay with it.”
I don’t understand how weak women like you operate in this world! I am a photographer and it is my job to objectify women for what they really are… you are a skell of the lowliest variety. To blame your mother for all your shortcomings in life is pathetic. This is a blog post that sounds life a Made For Lifetime movie of the week!
Stefan Rappo
Amazing Jen. Really amazing. It’s hard to understand, as a child, what our parents go through for their child. Looking back as an adult makes it all so much clearer.
As for Stefan, ignore. He OBVIOUSLY didn’t read the same post.
I am SO amazed someone misread my post so entirely. But, you know, since this was the ONLY flack I got from the post - maybe that’s just something I have to accept happens when I stop writing for a PG audience and start writing from my heart and experience.
Thanks for commenting Sam. You rock
I noticed that Stefan did not leave a link to his site but to him I say read the post again and make sure to wipe the mess from your eyes that is obviously there. I don’t see once place where Jen blamed her mother for anything….what are you reading??
Jen, you did an awesome job of showing how as adults we get to a point where we learn that we are responsible for our own destiny and cannot look at the past as a reason not to excel in life. I am glad that you and your mom are developing a working relationship
LaTaras last blog post..A Whole New View
LaTara, have I told you I love you yet this month? Just checking
He did leave links. Two of them. I edited them, because you can hate on me in my blog but I’ll be damned if you’ll get traffic out of the deal too LOL - maybe that makes me a bad blogger to not leave the comment pure but f-him.
Thanks for your input. And for commenting. It reminded me to put you on my blogroll!