Just a little more on the polygamy question
I promise this won’t become the polygamy blog, this has just been all over the news and it is a subject that I cannot wrap my head around.
Good Morning America this morning is going to have women on crying out to get their children back, with quotes like,
They’re asking my 11 year old about marriage and men….she doesn’t know anything about that…
CBN (we rock antenna television here, for some reason Christian Broadcast Network comes through on that…when I saw them talking about this while flipping through channels, I couldn’t resist listening) talked about how the authorities knew about the abuse and beatings for years but couldn’t raid without proof. Then they mention the beds on the top floor of the temple where men would go with their new child brides to have “relations” with them.
But the Christian “no religion but ours” people on the 700 Club certainly aren’t going to condone what’s happening over there no matter what the situation, so how could they have given any kind of a balanced account? All the news reports seem to be very skewed one way or the other without addressing the underlying issues.
I wonder if anyone else sees this as a grey area, or is it my poor brain that can’t be normal.
Polygamists…it’s not like on Big Love, they don’t all get big, separate suburban houses and one big ol’ backyard. Conditions are crowded, and the beds on the top floor of the temple are probably a place where a newly married couple of any age can be alone before they have to go live with the rest of the family. Securing that spousal bond before the new bride has to go bond with a bunch of other wives that may or may not want her there.
There seem to be three really big issues:
- Child brides
- No personal choice
- Abuse in relationships
How young are these children getting married? How does that compare to how young they got married in 1776? Is this just a tradition that’s being held over by a portion of America but not the rest of our culture? Arranged marriages seem shocking, but worldwide they happen quite often. Less often now than they used to but that doesn’t mean the only people practicing arranged marriages are offshoot Mormon sects living in ranches.
Is it arranged marriages in general that are bad? Or because they’re religious “crazies” living a polygamist lifestyle?
As for the child brides, while I would never want my kids to get married that young, don’t both the boys and the girls get married for the first time at that age? Everyone focuses on the girls, but what about the boys? No one talks about them…why? Because of the double standard where a boy that has sex is a “lucky dog” and a girl that has sex is…what? Ruined?
Yes there were beds on the top floor of that temple place, yes child brides had sex. Child brides in arranged marriages that were –married— I think that’s an important word everyone keeps leaving out. These are not sex slaves, these are not prostitutes, they’re wives. Young…possibly worryingly young…but wives that the husband is expected to take care of and that the other wives are expected to teach and help.
If everyone is so up in arms about child brides, why is it there isn’t a federal law that you have to be a certain age to get married? Research shows that even New Hampshire is okay with a girl getting married at 13, as long as she has parental consent.
It’s not like these are all pedophiles creating a pedophile mecca, they are still having children with their older wives as well. I’m sure there are as many pedophiles in this sect as there are in the rest of the world, but in general this is just how they are raised to live.
I’m sure that every woman reading this, especially my feminist friends, would love to think that raised in a situation like this you would be able to make a change…you would fight…you would be the one that makes a difference. Maybe you would have been. But when you’re raised to believe this is how a family looks, when all your sisters are part of multiple-wife marriages…what does normal look like?
Yes, there is abuse. What woman reading this has not been abused by someone in her life? Is there proof that there is more abuse among sect members than the rest of America? It would be difficult to do an honest poll, because most abused women deny it happens.
How is breaking up this sect going to give these girls better lives? Do you think they’re going to go to loving foster homes (all 416+ of them) that will gently, what? Make them protestant? Catholic? Atheist? Religious beliefs affect everyone, even the absence of religious belief.
I just think this is a far more complex issue of religion, tradition, and lifestyle than most people are willing to admit. I don’t agree with being 14 and married, but I also don’t agree with 14 year old girls getting pregnant because they aren’t more watched by parents or family, but that’s happening every day…without the benefit of marriage and older wives duty bound to help with the care of the children.
I would never wish the life of those kids on my children, but I probably also think that you raising my kids would be a torture for them as well. The question is, do we as a country have a right to change the way all these children grow up? We will quickly forget about them when the next major news story hits, and they will still be in an unfamiliar place, not understanding how the world works. Feeling completely alienated and alone…except for God and their “Prophet.”
Comments
5 Responses to “Just a little more on the polygamy question”
Got something to say?
-
Yep – I’m a Joiner!
It’s a complicated question to be sure. I certainly have no clues what the answers might be.
I guess the question most people on the outside are essentially asking is how much free will is involved in the choices these children are making to be married and how much is forced upon them. Consent is certainly a huge issue in my mind especially when it relates to sex – because even a husband can be charged with rape if the act was not consensual. Not that it happens often, but the laws do exist…
Plus I don’t get how the lawmakers decide what constitutes statutory rape if they have laws on the books that allow for marriage as young as 13…
Jenni, a very well argued blog post. I agree that there is a huge difference between the issue of polygamy and the issue of child brides and that it is a shame these two have become entwined. On the issue of polygamy, if all participants are adults and there is no coercion or major societal pressure, I honestly have no problem with it. I can see how it could work for some people.
On the other hand, I totally disagree with child brides and think the legal age for marriage should be 18 in all states. How crazy is it that a child could make the decision to marry in some states before they can legally drive and before in all states they can drink? It just doesn’t make sense to me. Children do not have the maturity especially in a neurological sense to make a life decision such as marriage. When there is a large age gap and the child is particularly young, this is nothing more than sanctioned pedophilia in my opinion.
Katherine Reschke’s last blog post..Dealing with the dissenters
The reason there is no mention of young boys having sex is because they are not allowed. Only husbands have sex with their wives and the young girls are married off to old men, not their peers. A few “lucky” boys will be permitted to stay and breed there, but the majority of them will be sent off to fend for themselves in the world, lest they be tempted to want to have sex with the girls their age there. I’m amazed that anyone would defend this practice as not abusive to innocent children.
Staci Carsten’s last blog post..Lake Oswego Real Estate News
See, I hear what you’re saying Staci, but none of it is backed up with any actual information, and that is what I’m craving.
What age are boys first married is what I asked, not when they could go out and get laid. I realize in a strict sect like this they’re closely watched over so the rolling in hay without the vows happens less than in the rest of society.
Who is defending this practice other than the sect members?
I’m asking questions, hoping that someone has actual facts. Different media outlets are coming out with personal testimony 180 degrees from one another. Who to believe?
I know many girls that have had babies at 14 (and even younger) – how do we gauge their innocence? The age of the male they were impregnated by? It’s not okay if he’s 16, but if they’re both 14..well..it’s still the boy’s fault just by the virtue he does not have the equipment to get pregnant?
I just think that it’s kind of sick that in society anywhere a boy that has sex at 14 forever considers himself lucky, while a girl that has sex at 14 forever considers herself tainted (that being a generalization of course, I’m sure there are exceptions on both sides of that coin) that if they’re married and part of a fringe religion it somehow changes things.
That in no way means I condone child marriages. I don’t understand how you even came to that conclusion…unless you started reading with the conclusion already firmly planted in your mind.
Actually, one of the reasons you are not hearing about the young boys is that they are often expelled from the compound at a relatively young age. As early as 14 in some cases. This makes a lot of sense if you think about it. After all, you cannot keep a ratio of three wives for every man if you have a 50/50 split between men and women.
Believe it or not, this is part of the premise of “Big Love”. The reason the main character on that show is not living in a FLDS compound is that he was expelled from it.
Anyway, there is a good article on the “lost boys” of the FLDS located at The Diversity Foundation. Slate magazine has also published an “Explainer” on the subject.
Robert’s last blog post..Apparently I don’t know what I am talking about